Living in America

Part II of 80s Night: Rocky IV
  

Just after Rocky II, Stallone must have succumbed to the 80s just like the rest of the country.  If you didn’t think it could get worse than Rocky III with Thunderlips and the unbelievable acting performance by Mr. T’s mohawk, then hold on to your hats.  Rocky IV had it all: Rocky had made it to easy street; Paulie gets a robot butler; Drago, the Russian monster shows up; James Brown sings; holy crap, is that Brigitte Nielsen again?; Apollo dies after a monster beating; Russian winters; the KGB makes an appearance; and let's not forget some seriously cheesy lines, the likes of which we hadn’t seen since, well Rocky III. 

For the ladies: the
Siberian Wall, Ivan Drago!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the 
Dancing Destroyer, the King of Sting, 
the Count of Monte Fisto, the 
Master of Disaster, 
the one and only: Apollo Creed!

A couple of sweet Drago quotes:

U vill looz (You will lose) – to Apollo before the fight

When asked about Apollo after beating him (to death, it seems): Eye kinot be difited. Eye beet all man. Sumdeey, eye vill beet reel champun.  If he dies, he dies.  (I cannot be defeated. I beat all man. Someday, I will beat a real champion. If he dies, he dies)

On a side note, would it surprise you that Dolph Lungren (Drago) attended the Royal Institute of Technology in Stockholm, Sweden, received a master's degree in chemical engineering from the University of Sydney, in Australia, and in 1983 was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship to MIT?  I for one was floored by that information.

After Apollo is killed by Drago, Rocky does what any other person would do, he challenges Drago to a fight to be held in the USSR (ok, make that any other person who had been hit in the head hundreds of times).  At some point, Rocky says “To beat me, he’ll have to kill me.”  I’m not sure Rocky thought that one through.  Didn’t you just bury your friend /rival /mentor /running on the beach in tight shorts buddy a few scenes back?  Then, as we all would, he travels to Siberia to train.  

The workout certified by Men's Health to 
get you in shape to be punched in the 
face repeatedly by a 'roided up Russian

Rocky broods and trains in the only way that a great 80s action hero can: by a great musical montage. We are treated to cuts between Drago wired up like a heart patient to machines as he lifts, punches and gets shot up with steroids; then to Rocky cutting and tossing wood, doing situps while suspended off the loft of a barn, and walking with a big tree across his shoulders (seems to be an 80s staple). Then we see Rocky helping push a Russian horse drawn sled that is stuck in the snow and finally running up to the top a mountain and giving the original Rocky pose. HEARTS ON FIRE! STRONG DESIRE!

Oh yeah, and Rocky grows a beard that would make Hercules (or Bluto) proud. After that montage, I am totally pumped to see Rocky beat the snot out of that soulless Russian. There is no way the USA will lose.

After I lift this sled, I'm ready for my date with Olive.

Well, hello there, Ludmilla!

So, after all that training, brooding and beard growing, Rocky meets Drago in front of a very hostile crowd, which includes a Gorbachev look-alike. 

Eye most bureak u (I must break you); oh,
and thank you for shaving.

I am vorried for my lapushka

Then we witness Rocky taking a beating that would likely kill an elephant.  I mean he is pummeled all over the ring and the punches Drago lands literally sound like cannon explosions.  But then, miraculously, Rocky lands a punch or two which leads to the announcer screaming: HE’S CUT! HE’S CUT! THE RUSSIAN’S CUT AND IT’S A BAD CUT!
Rocky, who seems to grow stronger the more he is punched, ends up taking down Drago in the 15th (!!!!) round at which point he seems to be asking for Drago to hit him more. Interesting tactic, not what I would have suggested, but it seems to work (well, until we see Rocky V, that is).  The crowd has turned on the big Russian, the Soviet leaders do not like it, but they keep on cheering for Rocky. I think Rocky just ended the Cold War! 

This leads to the win and Rocky’s big speech which ends with: "I guess what I'm tryin’ to says is, if I cans change, . .. . and yous cans change,  . . .  everybodys cans change." 

The crowd erupts, Gorbachev even stands up and claps and then all the spectators are led outside and shot by the KGB, all tapes of the fight are burned and the Siberian Wall is sent back to Siberia to actually hold up the side of a building.   

HIIIIEEEE!!!

Man I am pumped up, I want to punch a Russian. But, I think I’ll let the Godfather of Soul end it for me: “Living in America! Siii to siiii, stachun to stachun, uhhh.  Living in America! Hea to heaayy, across the nachun. Uhh!