Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Real Steel: Hugh Jackman and a robot boxer


Absentee dad reunited with his son for a road trip? Check

Main character drives a truck? Check

He's kind of a dick? Check.

Underdog fighting / competition? Check





 Remake of Over the Top.  The only thing missing is a backward hat and a thumb move.

Hollywood is really out of ideas.

BoDerickus' BNOW - Olympics Edition

I know I said long ago I wouldn't use foreign names on the BNOW, unless they are funny. Well, it's time to go foreign on your butts, because it's Olympics BNOW.

The Best: 
Dong Dong - Gold medal in trampoline. There are so many possibilities: the Dong so nice, they named him twice. No more jumpy on the trampoline, the Donger need food!

A couple of Dongs on a trampoline!

Also, I've got to say: trampoline? Really? Time to go on a tangent. BoDerickus is of the firm belief that anything that can be done in my backyard should not be allowed in the Olympics.  Gold medal for jumping on a trampoline? Nope.

The Gold Medal Badminton Game

Badminton, are you kidding me? Take your shuttlecock and get out. And to that I'm adding anything I can play in the rec-room of a church. Ping Pong (I refuse to call this Table Tennis), I'm looking at you. Not gonna do it. 

BMX Racing? Not sure, on the fence on this one. On the one hand, it seems to take some skill and stamina. On the other hand, it looks like they are riding a 1st grader's bike.



Destinee Hooker - USA Volleyball - What would lead a parent to name their child after a stripper when they've already got the prostitute thing going for them?

Semen Antonov - Russian Basketball - Fastest guy on the Russian squad. Always able to "stick it in the hole." 

Saralee Thoungthongkam - Thailand Badminton - Her parents were very fond of those delicious American bakery treats.

Reinder Nummerdor - Netherlands Beach Volleyball - His coach did let him play some Reinder games.  

Enter the Ninja

Martial Arts / Kung Fu / Karate movies were big business in the eighties, but ninjas were king. There were so many ninjas in the eighties it was crazy. You couldn't flip a throwing star without hitting some ninja. Everyone was jumping on the ninja bandwagon and those crazy ninjas rode it all the way through the eighties. Hell, there was even a motorcycle named Ninja that came out in the eighties. A quick count on IMDB shows over 50 ninja movies released in the nineties.

Michael Dudikoff was the coolest man alive!

Best titles from the eighties?
"Zombie v. Ninja" and "Never Kiss a Ninja"


I loved ninja movies back in the day (please close your mouth, I know its hard to believe). American Ninja was by far my favorite. There were five American Ninja movies, although I lost interest after Michael Dudikoff signed off. 

I stand corrected, Chris Farley was a master ninja

For some reason, ninjas didn't seem to move on into the nineties in the same way they had ruled the 80's. Yeah, there were some leftovers (Like the aforementioned American Ninja franchise) I guess they decided to own the eighties and then just faded back into the background, like a good ninja should. Well, I take that back, ninjas moved on to the 90s, just in a slapstick or kid friendly format.

And what do I do with these again?

I guess you can tell a bit about the movie I watched this week in the fact that I am four paragraphs in before I even mention the movie. In Enter the Ninja, some marketing guy had the great idea of taking a title that took the most famous Bruce Lee movie and roundhouse kicked it in the face with a little ninja.

I had never seen this movie before and there was a good reason why. This movie was really bad, but it sneaked up on you (kind of like a ninja) and sucked you in. In this one, Frank Nero plays an army vet who just completed his training at ninja school. Yes, you read that right, ninja school. Also, Frank Nero is an Italian guy with no (and I mean zip) martial arts training, let alone any ninja training. Any scene of him "ninja'ing", in fact, any scene with him doing more than walking and/or looking threatening was a bad cut-in to a stunt man. As you can see from the pic to the right, Nero comes from the Chuck Norris school of "the more hair the better" grooming.

How bad was this movie? The last frame of the movie ought to tell you all you need to know:

I look good, real good!

Sean Connery Joke of the Week

And finally, Sean Connery's also here so let's move on to Double Jeopardy where the categories are . . .

Not so fast Trebek.

 

I really thought that was going to work.

              

Well, you were wrong you mountebank. 
I pose a conundrum to ya, a riddle if you will.

 I don't want to hear it.

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Hobo with a Shotgun
Don't believe this is a real movie?

Hobo? Check. Shotgun? Check. Let's make a movie.

Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner; The Hitcher) is a hobo and he has a shotgun. And he uses it. A lot. What this movie lacks in decent writing and special effects, it makes up for in really crappy acting.  I give it a 10 on the Cleophus Crap scale.

BoDerickus' BNOW

Bronwen Hogshooter - West Tennessee ne'er-do-well.  Look at that name again, I'll wait. Bronwen is of Welsh origin and means "fair breast" or "white-breasted". Hogshooter is of mountain-folk origin and means "pig killer". So she is, I guess, a fair breasted pig killer.

Ms. Hogshooter was caught trying to sneak drugs into a correctional facility. According to the police report: "the alleged drugs were reportedly hidden in a private area of Hogshooter's and were confiscated."

Was she keeping them in the deep recesses of her psyche?  I'm not sure I'm following, but if the drugs were in a private orifice, I would hate to be the one who had to confiscate them.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Lockout

 
"Escape From New York" + outer space - Kurt Russel = this piece of crap.