Signs, Signs, Everywhere the Signs!

While riding around the city, it is fairly obvious that life moves real fast. You just have to stop and look around once in awhile, or you could miss some of the dumb-ass signs all around us. I'm not talking existentially, I'm talking about real signs made with real words. What do I look like, Ghandi?

Most of these signs don't even make sense. Do I feel like Italian or German?  Let's see:

I mean, who doesn't?

Nothing screams "German" quite li

I Luv Lasagna is just so simple in it's delivery. I mean, how can you really argue with that?  However, it seems that you might need something more on the menu than just this sweet noodle/cheese/meat delight. Let's take a closer look at this sign: I Luv Lasagna Etc. (with a little Italian caricature of a cook right above the etc.).   There is so much going on with this sign. Also, with the "etc." we know there's a whole lot more on the menu, even though we have no idea what that "etc." might be.   








As for the German restaurant, could you not come up with something a bit more German? I mean, if I'm hankering for some wiener-schnitzel, I'm not heading over to Mary's house of hot dogs. Maybe Frau Mary's German Restaurant would be more authentic. No, I've got it: Lili von Schtupp's German Spectacle.  I mean, that's a fwiggin' sweet name. You can thank me later, Mary. Maybe with a few free schnitzengrubens.  

What about the pickled pig's feet?

I saw this sign in the Holiday Ham store back around the holidays.
I don't know why I find this sign so hilarious. Is there that big a desire for "ham bones"? 
Well, this is the south. Either you love ham bones or that's your nickname, or something like that.

The scales of justice are weighing in favor of fatty foods.

Has there ever been a worse name for a restaurant? Also, farm raised catfish and smoothies?  That is one hell of a combination. Are there smoothies made out of catfish on the menu? So many questions about this restaurant. Also, what is a whole food smoothie? Can I get a cheeseburger smoothie with a side of fried catfish? If so, this may be the most awesome place ever to exist.

I hear one in the bush is worth two in the tuchis.

I almost feel like I shouldn't even have to comment on this one, but that's just not my style.

The Bald Hippie and I were riding through a not so great section of our fair city a few days ago. After passing by an adult bookstore and making the requisite jokes, we were stunned that this fine establishment was just a couple of hundred yards away. We actually did a spit take (minus the spit) and felt compelled to turn around and get a picture.

What do you say about something like this? Did no one think about the "ramifications" of this name before sending it to the sign maker?

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

PAUL

The schlub from Knocked Up voices an alien who must escape from the always ineffectual federal government with a couple of British nerds and a one-eyed religious nut-job. It's a comedy.  No, really.

And that's where aliens come from.

Apologies

If you saw my Friday night entry, I've got to say, it's probably not a good idea to blog while tipsy and watching the action packed films of John Woo. 

Dr. Cleophus Goes To The Movies, Sort Of

There are a lot of bad movies out right now. Even thought I keep a pretty sharp eye on all things entertainment, I have no idea what most of these movies are about. Nevertheless, I am going to try to review a few of these movies without actually seeing them (or at best, only seeing the preview). Here goes:

I've got crazy hair and a crazy gun, I'm here to pay my taxes.

Drive Angry 3D - An angry Nic Cage and his crazy, angry hair get in a big muscle car and angrily drive to the nearest IRS office to pay off some of his enormous debt. By the way, the official name of the movie is just as its written, not "in 3D"

Damn, there go the falsies.

Take Me Home Tonight - Tells the rocking true life story of Eddie Money, the hottest NYC cop of all time, on his crazy journey for cigarettes, Poly-grip and Sharpies. 



Unknown - I've got to be honest, I have no idea what this movie is about. Maybe this movie is a follow up to Take Me Home Tonight and attempts to explain what the heck is going on in that picture of Eddie.

RIP Pinetop Perkins

Pinetop Perkins, one of the last living blues legends died today at the young age of 97. As I talked about here a few months ago, I was able to see Pinetop play back at the King Biscuit Blues Fest for the second time in the past few years. This past festival, he played with his Muddy Waters bandmates Willie "Big Eyes" Smith and Bob Margolin, but he clearly drove the show.  He still sounded really good, which was an amazing feat for a 97 year old.  Below is a video of Mr. Perkins at age 95 singing "Down in Mississippi" with Bob Margolin on guitar. 

Born on a cotton plantation near Belzoni, Mississippi, in 1913, he worked the fields from age 7, drove a truck for a living at 18 and got stabbed in the arm in his late 20s. The barroom attack tore his tendons and cut his bone, ending his dreams of becoming a leading guitar man. Instead, he refashioned himself as a regal piano player. The tragedy — and turning point — in his musical life occurred in 1942, when an angry woman mistakenly blamed him for an offense her husband had committed and swung a blade at him.

"It was a freak accident," Perkins told the Chicago Tribune. "When she did that, I just said, 'Well, you just cut me out of my career, that's all I can say.' It was hard to start over. It was kind of rough, but I just figured out playing the piano the best way I could."

In 1969 in Buffalo, N.Y., Perkins, well into his fifties, sat in on piano during a jam session and earned a spot in the band of legendary bluesman Muddy Waters. By then, he had already performed with the likes of Sonny Boy Williamson and slide guitarist Robert Nighthawk. The old school bluesman with the aggressive keyboard style and gravelly voice had played the rickety bars among the cotton fields of the Mississippi Delta, and toured with rock pioneer Ike Turner in the 1950s.

Indeed, he played piano with harmonica master Sonny Boy Williamson on the iconic "King Biscuit Time" radio show and with B.B. King in Memphis. Generations of musicians learned and modeled their art on Perkins, including no less than Ike Turner. "Pinetop would be the birth of rock 'n' roll, because he taught me what I played," Turner told the Tribune in 2004.
 

Perkins' skills came not from any sort of formal training but from an innate ability and love for a musical form that arose from the South's plantation system. "I didn't get no schooling. I come up the hard way in the world," Perkins told The Associated Press in a 2009 interview.

Perkins won a Grammy this year for best traditional blues album for "Joined at the Hip: Pinetop Perkins & Willie "Big Eyes" Smith." That win made Perkins the oldest Grammy winner, edging out late comedian George Burns, who was 95 when he won in the spoken category for "Gracie: A Love Story" in 1990. Perkins also won a 2007 Grammy for best traditional blues album for his collaboration on the "Last of the Great Mississippi Delta Bluesmen: Live in Dallas." He received a lifetime achievement Grammy in 2005.

The above obit is a combo of two articles by: 

Shelia Byrd and Jim Vertuno of the Associated Press; Howard Reich of the Chicago Tribune

John Woo - Master

If I've learned one thing from John Woo movies, it's this: reloading is for pussies.

Oh, and this: "nothing to worry about, enjoy your day!"

Son, what we've got here is  . . . a Mexican standoff (except with Chinese peoples).

Vacaciones de Primavera en DFW

The official family of BoDerickus just spent a few days in Dallas-Ft. Worth for spring break. Tiring but fun. One thing I guess I knew, but never thought much about is the huge Hispanic population in DFW. Flipping through the channels, I think I came across about 27 Hispanic language channels.  Back home I think I have 2, so I've really got to put some work into it to "happen" across one of these crazy channels. I have watched these channels before, especially when I want to bother my brother-in-law, the bald hippie.  But never to the level as I have the last few days. BoDerickus speaks muy poco Espanol, so I had no idea what was going on most of the time.

Here is what I think was happening:

• Is this guy longing or disgusted? 
• I really need to brush up on my Spanish

Teresa: Muy Pronto - From what I can tell, Teresa spends every episode looking longingly at men and menacingly at women. Everyone seems to look either longingly or disgusted at Teresa. Also, Spanish language TV appears to like lots of slapping. 

Mas Futbol - It appears guys that are filmed from a great distance kick this round ball up and down a large field and every once in awhile it accidentally goes into a big net. Oh yeah, and people fall down a lot.


Quien Tiene la Razon - This is a Spanish language "Jerry Springer" with a female host that is uglier than Jerry in a dress. Also, what I said before about the slapping goes double for this show. By the way, don't type "Jerry Springer in a dress" in to Google images unless you want to get one of the weirdest collection of pictures you could imagine. 

There also seem to be about 237 Spanish language radio stations.  There appear to be 4 kinds of radio stations in DFW: Mariachi, Salsa, Country, and Spanish language Country.  

Why, this isn't confusing at all, thanks DFW!

I live and drive every day in a city, but Dallas-Ft. Worth is a City. There are so many roads here it is crazy. Also, there doesn't seem to be reason to the layout of these roads. Everything looks the same and there seem to be 20 roads going off in all directions constantly.  I've driven a number of times in NYC, which is much larger and was not nearly as confused as I was driving in this place. I have never made more wrong turns than in Dallas. 

Madness, Indeed!

Some of you have read this already in an email related to the March Madness office pool. Skip to another one you haven't seen.

First of all, I feel supremely confident in my picks this year. Confident that they will be mostly wrong, but confident nonetheless. I am staying away from the snide comments on players names this year (none could be better than Alabama State’s Chief Kickingstallionsims and Ivory White from the 2009 tourney anyway).  But I will comment on some horrible team mascot/nicknames in the early rounds of this year’s tournament. 

East:

1 OH State v. Texas-San Antonio Roadrunners – Beep, Beep!

3 Syracuse Orange v. Indiana State Sycamores – Both of these nicknames are bad. With Syracuse, am I supposed to be intimidated by a color or a fruit?  Also, with Indiana State, why would anyone pick a tree for a mascot? Also, I’m confused, is this supposed to be the ultra-intimidating fig type sycamore of the Bible, the British version or the sturdy American version?

2 North Carolina v. Long Island University-Brooklyn Blackbirds – So many things to think about: #1 This might be the longest university name in existence. #2 Blackbirds are annoying and dirty, but threatening? Nope. #3 After more thought, and the fact that I think of blackbirds as “rats with wings” I may change my mind on their threatening nature. #4 Actual cheer for ILU-B: Swoop in there and peck their face off, Blackbirds, Blackbirds, Blackbirds! (only effective if making the flying bird motion a’la Morris Day).

Hey there, sailor!

Southwest:

1 Kansas v. Boston U. Terriers – There is no dog more masculine and reeking of intimidation than the Terrier. 

3 Purdue v. St. Peter's Peacocks – Sounds like this should be a gay catholic strip club rather than a school. For comedy’s sake, it would be much more fun if St. Peter’s Peacocks were playing Morehead State.

2 Notre Dame v. Akron Zips What the heck is a Zip?  Also, although called the Zips, it has a kangaroo for a mascot. Because the kangaroo is indigenous to Ohio. 

Southeast:

I'm not sure this could be goofier.

8 Butler v. 9 Old Dominion Monarchs - I’m not sure if you’ve seen Queen Elizabeth lately, but if you have, you know just how intimidating a monarch can be.  Also, the mascot is a lion wearing a crown, so it’s double intimidation. 

11 Gonzaga v. 6 St. John's Red Storm – I was not aware of St. John’s Communist leanings.  

3 BYU Cougars (I thought they were the fightin' Mormons) v. Wofford Terriers - Really? There are two teams with a terrier as mascots? Really? Wait, both are Terriers, plural?  Oh, never mind, that changes the game exponentially.   

2 Florida v. UC Santa Barbara Gauchos - It is well known that Gaucho was the best and meanest of the Marx brothers, but I hear he couldn't play roundball worth a crap. Gummo - now there was a baller.

I can't believe this picture exists, yet here it is.