Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

The 8 six-year old girls on the row behind me really LOVED this movie.  Also, I didn't have to worry about missing anything because little Rachael had seen the movie before and let everyone know exactly when the FUNNY parts were.

Side note: Jason F'n Statham, Mr. Transporter himself, is the voice of the "bad guy" gnome (the big one in the picture above).

What Was I Thinking?

I have finally come to the conclusion that I'm getting old. What made me finally accept that? Was it the fact that I get tired more easy or parts of my body hurt that I didn't even know existed?  No, what finally made me figure it out was good ol' Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper (and Paprika).  Anyone reading this with a child under the age of 14 probably knows who these annoying "people" are. The cartoon world's first interracial marriage - Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper were groundbreaking (much like the Willis' on The Jeffersons). Also, these two are French. How do we know? Because they speak in zee OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH ACCENTS!

Paprika hungry! Sorry purists, Cinnamon wasn't in the picture yet.

So why did this anthropomorphic pair make me realize my increasing age? Because somehow I forgot how incredibly annoying this toy was. When the official daughter of BoDerickus was born in 1998, Blue's Clues was in full swing. Sometime soon after, we bought this toy for her. This thing says a lot of annoying lines from the show, but its main objective was, when you pushed Mr. Salt's mouth, they sang this charming little ditty (to a Calypso tune):

Healthy snacks!
Healthy snacks!
We love to eat the healthy snacks.
Carrots, bananas and celery too,
We like to eat healthy snacks, don't you?

This song was played in my house about 10,000 times. Not only that, this wonderful toy would start the song over every time you pushed the mouth. I had a young Jay-Z in my house for years practicing her "mix" skills (healthy snacks, healthy, healthy, healthy, healthy, healthy snacks, hea-, hea-, health, health, healthy, healthy, healthy snacks, etc., ad infinitum).

Dammit, man, get to the point, why did this make you fell old?  Because, not too long ago, my four year old dug this out of some hidden nook and brought it to me. Thankfully, the batteries had died. But what did I do? Yes, you guessed it, I put new batteries in it and am now being serenaded once again by the smooth calypso stylings of Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper.

Finally, I'm told that taking twice as long to tell a story is a sign of old age also.  I'm not sure I buy that.

Dr. Cleophus Says: Watch This Movie

This weekend I watched this unbelievable documentary. By that I mean I watched this documentary in an utter state of disbelief.  As many of you know, I grew up in Mississippi. I didn't think it got more "country" (and by that I mean redneck) than small town north Missippi.  I was wrong. I mean, I was really wrong. The White family, Boone County "royalty," are the extended clan of D. Ray and Bertie Mae White, who rose to some level of fame with D. Ray's "mountain dancing" which looked like a mix of clogging and tap dance (with a little "a bobcat got in my pants" thrown in for good measure).

Crazy legs Jesco White and Hank Williams III

This Appalachian family loves to drink, fight, cuss, screw, do drugs, shoot shit (and people), snort stuff, drink, fall down, have babies, mooch off the government, rob, cheat, steal, do time, huff gas, give each other tattoos, drink some more, fight authority (it always wins, however), parent badly, and dance, dance, dance.  D. Ray's son Jesco (literally) inherited his father's dancing shoes after D. Ray was murdered on his way to a performance.  In fact, many of the White children died prematurely. Mamie, Bo, Sue Bob, Kirk and Mousie (all women, by the way) run roughshod over Boone County, West Virginia. These gravelly voiced women have led a rough life, but seem pretty unfazed by life in general.



Make no mistake though, Jesco is the most famous and also the craziest one in the family (but not by much). He gets a full back tattoo of Elvis on the left (surrounded by stars) and Charles Manson on the right (in flames) to portray what he calls his dual nature.

Not a straight line

This family committed (or confessed to) so many crimes on camera it was almost comical. One moment in this film sums up the attitude of the Whites: Kirk gets her baby taken by Protective Services just after he's born (she's crushing and snorting pills in the hospital room less than 24 hours after giving birth). She decides to go to rehab to try to clean up and get her baby back. But not before a multi-day booze and drug fest with Mamie and Sue Bob that would likely knock Charlie Sheen on his ass. I was shocked during much of this movie, but could not stop watching. If I saw a movie "character" act like this, I would say the actor was going way overboard. I guess truth is stranger than fiction. 

I highly recommend this movie, if for nothing less than being proud of yourself as a parent and/or seeing how normal your "crazy" family really is. It was co-produced by Johnny Knoxville of Jackass fame, but don't hold that against it.  Anyway, I'll leave you with some quotes:

"You know what my daddy used to say? He used to say, ‘When you get too old to cut the mustard, lick the jar.’ I don’t know what he meant by that." - Bertie Mae White (the matriarch). 

Sue Bob - The "sexy" one.

"Well, I used to be a stripper back then when I was 17, 18, 19 years old and I made the boo-coups of money.  I'd bring home at least the fifteen to two thousand dollars a night in my boot. I’ve always been the sexiest one in the family. I’ve always had comments from thousands of people." -Sue Bob White

Kirk - the "fighter"

"I met Dennis, I liked him cause he looked good. I loved that 18 wheeler he drove the 18 wheeler. And then, he ends up screwin' my cousin. And then I end up stabbin' his ass." Sue Kirk White
This is only the start of a 3 minute tirade that just got more disturbing. All the while her young son was literally bouncing off the walls after drinking a six pack of Pepsi.

BoDerickus' BNOW - Law & Order Edition

Today in the BNOW, the names all come from cons and scum. Yes, criminals and lawyers are the names of the day.

Meta Cooper - lawyer - The Meta Cooper is the new SUV from the auto manufacturer that brought you the Mini Cooper.

Ricky Flamingo Brown - unlawful possession - He got caught in possession of a really fruity middle name.

Loring E. Justice - Lawyer - You know who to call to right a wrong? Justice, that's who.

Tornita Crenshaw - Robbery - The tornita is my favorite Mexican dish; personally, I like it with extra crenshaw.

Cadwallader "Buddy" Leonidis Polk IV - Lawyer-TX - I guess if your name is a cross between a chocolate egg and the leader of the Spartans, but you live in Texas, you've got to go with Buddy.

Innocent S. Nzamubereka - Assault - Your honor, I've been practicing law for 20 years and I've never been able to say this with more conviction: My client is Innocent!

Joseph Moron - Assault & Burglary - Your honor, my client may be a Moron, but he ain't dumb.

It's Been Awhile

I've been busy, way to busy to (attempt to) be funny. I've been doing things law-way.  Just like Star Jones, I am a lawyer, and, as a lawyer, sometimes you have to do a bit of research. Inevitably, at times you come across some crazy/funny stuff. Take a look at the main point in this case from 1834.

Fisk v. Townsend, Tenn.,1834
A promise made, whilst sober, by an habitual drunkard to a physician, that he would pay him one hundred dollars, in consideration of which the physician promised and undertook to cure him of his appetite for ardent spirits, is binding.

Andy, I ain't got $100; take Bessie here instead.

That is beautiful. Seems they had rehab way back in 1834 and Otis decided he didn't want to pay for that rehab. Just reading this gets my appetite whetted for some ardent spirits.