Happy New Year!

There is no other picture that goes with this song better.

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never hmmm hmm mine,
I'm not sure what the next line is,
and auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear
for auld lang syne,
I know I'll have a cup of beer,
with auld lang syne,

There's four more verses to this song,
I'm gonna lose my mind,
who's ever heard the next ver-ses(?)
to auld lang syne.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

This Christmas, I took a page out of my Jewish friends' playbook: Chinese food for lunch and Christmas night, a trip to the cinema to see The Fighter:

That fight looks wicked hahd.

Marky Mark stars as a washed up fighter with a crack addled (former boxer) brother. After losing four straight, he pulls himself up from the bottom and starts a comeback that leads him all the way to the title. How does he turn it around, you ask? One word: Poontang.

In all honesty, this was a great movie. The director did everything he could to make the three leads (Wahlberg, Christian "I'm Batman" Bale and Amy Adams) as unattractive as possible. He mostly succeeded, especially with Christian "I've never met a starvation diet I didn't like" Bale.

The Day After

It's the day after Christmas and my four year old has already partially broken 2 toys and played a total of 3 minutes with the most expensive toy he got. Oh yeah, and he and I just played for an hour with a squishy ball on a string that I got for free last week at my bank (probably would have gone longer, but it broke also). Well, at least his favorite Christmas toy wasn't a box this year.

BoDerickus hopes you all had a great Christmas!

BoDerickus BNOW - Christmas Edition

Twas the night before "Mary Christmas (Salt Lake City)" and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a Chip Munk (State Farm Agent-Topeka) singing high pitched carols. The "Dale Stocking(s)" (Stockton, IL) were hung by the "Rayford Chimney (Jasper, TX)" with care, in hopes that "Sandy Claus (teacher in Verona, PA)" soon would be there.

Yes, it's Christmas! A time to hang "Aretha Holly (United Health agent)" on the door, eat "Candy Kane (Realtor in Philadelphia)" and be "Gaye Jolly (housewife, Knoxville, TN)". So here's hoping everyone gets a big "Candy Baskett (Lafayette, IN) full of "Ginger Snapp (Receptionist in Cincinnati, OH)" and "Hazel Nutt (Seneca, SC)" and enough snow so we can use the "Bob Sledd  - (VA Secretary of State)" we got for "Dionte Christmas (NBA player for 76ers)" to rocket down a hill.

So Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.

Wilma Rudolph, getting ready for the 1960 Olympic Games

Frosty Returns - Why?

This past weekend, BoDerickus and the official son of BoDerickus bought The Original Christmas Classics collection which included Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Unfortunately for me, it also included the piece of trash that is Frosty Returns.  Someone must have been high when the made this piece of shiznit.  John Goodman was the voice of Frosty. However, he was not in good "John Goodman" mode, a la "Raising Arizona" and "The Big Lebowski." No, this was the John Goodman from about half way through his Rosanne run when he had all his soul sucked out of him and was basically cruising. He gave "Frosty" all the heart of this year's Carolina Panthers. This was written by Romeo Muller, who would go on to play quarterback for the Ole Miss Rebels.

On the left, beloved classic. On the right, crap on a cracker.

This adaptation of "Frosty" seemed to have no connection whatsoever to the one everyone knew and loved.  I mean, Frosty didn't even have to wear the top hat to exist in this one.  What the hell? That was the entire point of the first one (and the song, for that matter). He only became magical when he put on the top hat. This "Frosty" doesn't even make an effort.  The animation was pitiful, the characters horrible, and the story nonexistent. It had something to do with a carnival, a spray that magically melted all the snow and . . . I pretty much glazed over during the rest of it.

Hat? Why do I need that? Its not like there's any basis for me wearing it.

I have no idea where Peppermint Patty is.

The original Frosty was made in 1969, how is it possible that the animation in Frosty Returns, made in 1992, is ten times worse? But at least the songs were good . . . oh, wait, the songs sucked worse than anything. They were excruciatingly bad.  The main song, "Let There Be Snow" was an awful convoluted mess that seems as if it were sung by a bunch of deaf/mute children.

Yes, really!

Twitchell, the "bad guy" in this dreck, is a blatant rip off of "The Simpson's" Mr. Burns, only drawn MUCH worse (don't even get me started on the obvious Peanuts ripoff in the "best friend" character). To make matters worse, Jonathan Winters plays some "elf / little person / story teller" making everything even more nonsensical.

Anyway, take it from me, if you haven't seen this lifeless piece of sheep dung, don't.  If you think it would be cute, it's not. As Nancy Reagan used to say: Just Say No (I'm pretty sure she came up with this saying right after watching this steaming pile of moose poop). I enjoyed this show about as much as I enjoyed my last colonoscopy. 

Special BNOW Edition - Nicknames

Warning: Potential Lewd or Obnoxious Humor Ahead
BoDerickus was a Sigma Nu in college.  Back when I was in college, many of the fraternities used the "Animal House" method of picking nicknames for their pledges.  They took pictures of the pledges, then hung a bedsheet and used a slide projector to project that picture on the wall.  At this point, a bunch of (mostly) drunken college kids hurled insults at the picture until something stuck. I am sure it's more high tech now, probably done with computers, but I am also sure the drinking and insulting are the same. There was one guy in my fraternity who drunkenly screamed "Shaven Testicle" at every picture for a couple years running. Thankfully for those pledges, no one listened to him. 

Me, riding around campus

My pledge name was Grape Ape.  My three best friends from college were Oompa Loompa, Dumbo Letterman and Stubacca. The latter was particularly fitting since his name was Stu and he was big and hairy (it really was a no brainer-sometimes drunken frat guys get it right).  The funniest of my class was Uretha Franklin. The dumbest/weirdest I remember was one poor kid whose unfortunate choice in shoes got him stuck with: "Attention KMart Shoppers, Velcro Sneakers, Why Pay More?" which fortunately got shortened to just KMart. Others I remember include Psycho, Grimace, Lucky Pierre, Merkin, Fromunda Cheese, Red-Eye Jedi and Hashish. 


Other nicknames I've been saddled with over the years include: Baby Huey, Virgil, Google Bean, and Big Pink (or BP for short).  Two non-fraternity guys from my college were called Moose and Muffinhead, and Dumbo had the much more used nickname of Doctor (short for "Doctor of Love"). Guys at my high school were also tagged. There was Heavy Dog, Snoot, Cowboy, Three Meat, Head, and Mad Dog, to name a few; as well as a whole breakfast table of nicknames on the football team, including Milk (very white legs), Corn Flakes (given to a poor guy who puked a lot during two-a-days), Sausage (legs looked like sausage links) and Toast (our DB who was constantly getting burned). The nickname thing seems to be passed on to younger generations. Toast's younger brother, who outweighed him by 50+ pounds, was tagged as Muffin, probably as a tribute to his older brother's nickname (got to keep it in the breakfast food family).
 

Frat guys leading a YMCA cheer?

What is it with guys that they feel the uncontrollable need to saddle every other guy with a nickname? My guess is that assigning nicknames and the ability to do sound effects are what set us apart from the animals (and females for that matter).




What about you? Did you have a funny nickname or do you remember any ones from college or high school given to your friends? Reply back with the best.

I'm Just Having One Glass

What do you think of this glass, famous Russian comedian, Yakov Smirnov? In America, you drink wine, in Soviet Russia, wine drink you! If I had this glass in Russia, I wouldn't have left. What a country!

If you order now, we'll throw in an industrial size tub of ibuprofen

Look at how happy the woman in the ad is.  Is this really a good idea? She's having a nice afternoon, reading her magazine and about to suck down a whole bottle of red wine. The ad says you can savor the flavor all night long. Is there a reason you can't do the same by pouring more into a regular sized glass? Also, what could possibly be on the video? I'm guessing someone pouring a whole bottle of wine into the glass. 

Insert Lawyer Joke Here

Actual story from the Tennessean (Nashville):

Moral to the story: Don't leave keys in car
The Tennessee Court of Appeals ruled this week that a car owner could be found negligent for a car thief's crash if she had left her keys in the vehicle. The appeals court said it did not matter whether the keys were left in the ignition, on the front seat, or on the dash board in plain view.

This is why people hate lawyers and distrust the legal system. This was decided in Tennessee! I would expect this kind of idiocy out of the California court system (where, when you graduate law school, you have to take a pledge to expunge all common sense from your system), but not middle America.  They are (potentially) holding the owner of the car liable for something that was done by a criminal while breaking the law. The last time I checked, a criminal does not have the right to steal your car just because you left the keys in it. The car owner had nothing to do with the theft (other than making it easier for a criminal to break the law), why would they be liable? I hope the next judge up the chain has a little common sense in this. 

Weird Purchases

So much better than Spam

This morning at Walgreens, the guy in front of me bought a pack of Virginia Slims, Whoppers and a small canned ham. What could this guy need Whoppers for? Also, buying canned ham at a Walgreens may take the cake in inappropriate purchases. Can you imagine how long that can has been on the shelf?

He also was wearing those huge cataract sunglasses and had no chin. The sunglasses basically covered his whole face.

Can you top this? Shoot back a reply with the weirdest items you've seen being bought.

I Couldn't Eat Another Thing!

Holy cow, after Thanksgiving, party on Friday, and the game on Saturday, I feel as if I am going to explode. I need more than a diet, I need a stomach pump. 

Me walking into the Grove on Saturday.

BoDerickus' BNOW - Thanksgiving Edition, Part II

CB, how about some pumpkin ale?

Thanksgiving - a time to eat yourself into a coma and watch football. I can't wait to sit down for my traditional Thanksgiving meal of cod, eel, lobster, swans, leeks and radishes, washed down with a big 'ol glass of beetroot wine.  BoDerickus kicks Thanksgiving old school.  Then, my T-Giving homies and I play a couple of rousing games of Chuck-Farthing and Squat-tag. Hoo-boy! Time to tighten the breeches and strap up the buckle on the shoe, it's about to get crazy here.

Today, I'm digging deeper into the early American life for more names from early Thanksgiving celebrations. Below you will find a few more Pilgrims with bad names. I tell you who there were a lot of at the first Thanksgiving: Johns, Marys and Josephs.  I tell you, if you asked John to pass you the goat's milk, you would get at least 12 bottles. Now, on with the show:

Remember Allerton, Experience Mitchell and Fear Brewster - What is the deal with these pilgrims and these random verb names? If memory serves me, a popular quote from early America was: We have naught to fear but Fear Brewster, because that filly will turn arsy varsy and whip pottage at thee!

Dorcus Samson - Dorcus was an odd, awkward fellow whose claim to fame was a 37 hour marathon of knicker-box, subsiding only on deer jerky and pumpkin juice.

Peregrine White - Peregrine was a mighty hunter whose nickname in the colony was "duck hawk." 

Godbert Godbertson - Little Godbert got beat up by the varsity Squat-tag team . . . a lot.

Tryphosa Tracy - Tryphosa Tracy sounds like a bad comic book villain. Quick Robin, Tryphosa Tracy has taken control of the Gotham City Flower Shoppe (Tryphosa is just starting out and doesn't really "get" the whole supervillain thing).  

You know who else was on the Mayflower? John Goodman, that's who. He felt England no longer had anything to offer him.

Here's John and Peregrine getting ready for a hunt.

Crazy Legalese of the Day

As you may or may not know, Just like Star Jones, BoDerickus is a lawyer. That means I get to sit behind a desk and read important (i.e. boring) documents all day. Almost daily, I see some word or phrase that makes me say: "huh?"  Let's see what Black's Law Dictionary has for us today:

Owelty- a lien created or a pecuniary sum paid by order of the court to effect an equitable partition of property. Heck, even the definition sounds legal-y. I think it kind of sounds dirty. As in: I had to give Ruth an owelty so I could equalize the partition, if you know what I mean.

BoDerickus BNOW - Thanksgiving Edition, Part I

Thanksgiving is this week, so to celebrate, I'm reprinting an oldie from the BNOW email days.

Thanksgiving – A time to give, uh, thanks. As everyone knows by now, Thanksgiving is a major holiday in the U.S. started by the Germans about the time they founded San Diego (they were very thankful for the warm weather and bikini clad native residents of the area).  Can anyone guess what movie I watched last night (for about the 100^th time)?

What better place to start on Thanksgiving themed names than the actual Pilgrims who attended the first one?  This should prove to all you doubters out there that bad names are not a product of the present times.  Mayflowerhistory.com gives us plenty of examples:

Brothers Wrestling Brewster and Love Brewster – yes, I said brothers – from Leiden, Holland. Interestingly, Love went on to become the All-Plymouth wrestling champ (wrestling under the ring name Brother Love).  Wrestling, on the other hand was a bit of a wimp (or, as the Pilgrims would have said, a milksop).

Humility Cooper – Leiden, Holland – It is well documented in the Mayflower ships logs that Humility was, in fact, an arrogant SOB.  Ironic, isn’t it?

Sister and brother, Damaris and Oceanus Hopkins – From England, Oceanus was actually born on the Mayflower, in route to America.  I guess that explains her name.  This would be similar to today’s esteemed tradition of naming the children based on where they were conceived, a ’la Taurus, Kia and LaQuinta. 

Resolved White – England – I have a resolution for you: that is one bad name. 

Degory Priest – England – Many historians think this is actually Degorius Prust. I say this is like the tomaytoe/tomahtoe discussion, it’s a bad name either way.  I guess hopping a boat and sailing weeks wasn’t enough for Degorius to get away from whatever he was running from (probably a baby-momma), he also had to change his name.  Not much effort on the change, though.  Probably already had all his shirts embroidered with his initials. 

And finally, a non-Mayflower name:

The great Latin songbird, Shakira Isabel Mebarak Ripoll.  Shakira means "thankful" in some language I am too lazy to look up.  I, for one, and thankful that her “hips don’t lie.” 

King Biscuit - Part 2

Not much to look at, but excellent food!

Day 2 of the King Biscuit Blues Fest starts off at a true Tunica County gem: The Hollywood Cafe (it gets a shout out in the "famous" Marc Cohn song "Walking in Memphis"). The Hollywood is known for its fried dill pickles, so what better way to start the day? I'll say, eating here is a hell of a lot better than listening to that dang song (don't get me started on that piece of crap).

 Big Plate o' Fried Pickles

Dumas Walker, anyone?

Now, on to the Blues Fest, where the first act we saw was blues legends The Kentucky Headhunters??
Odd choice, but they really kicked butt.  I actually saw these guys in a bar in New Haven, CT way back in 1992 (and ran into them afterward at a sandwich shop). I talked to these guys after their set for a few minutes, and they remembered playing in New Haven and even named the bar. Pretty cool, these guys seemed down to earth now just like they did back then.

Playing guitar while attached to an oxygen tank. 

Then on to the real blues, Hubert Sumlin and Willie "Big Eyes" Smith. 







The crowd was great, despite temps pushing 90+ in October. Very laid back crowd. It is a great venue for watching bands.

The view from the top of the levee towards the stage.
Downtown Helena in the background.

                

A shot of BoDerickus enjoying the show.

A lot of PBR, baby!

 

 

Plus a whole lot of rocking

Equals old hippies getting down:

Grandpa Ponytail and his old lady cutting a rug!

Downtown Helena was packed. "Fair" food vendors, people selling worthless trinkets and street performers all up and down the street. 

It's a roaring good time in downtown Helena - one weekend a year.

Fried pickles not bad enough for you? How about Twinkies, Oreos and Suzy Q's?

A couple of good sets by Michael Burks and Marcia Ball and the night closed out with a rousing set by blues legend Dr. John?  Wait, this is a blues fest, right?  Anyway, it was a great second day and given the dark plus a few too many happy drinks, I didn't get any good pictures of Dr. John.  Check back soon for the third and final day.

This guy looks like Dr. John, but why is he all blurry?

BoDerickus BNOW

BoDerickus has been busy, too busy to stay funny. But, BoDerickus realizes he has responsibilities and cannot shirk those responsibilities. So here's a short but sweet BNOW.

LaTear Eason - Member of the Lady Tigers BB team from LSU.  Is it pronounced teer or tare? I'm hoping for the latter so the LSU announcer can give us: "She broke right through the Vandy defense for that score, she's really on a LaTear tonight, folks!" According to the LSU site, she has two siblings named Eureka and Lavandis. Mr. and Mrs. Eason are vying for that best name of the year (family division) trophy.

Marktrail Lee - Police blotter - Knoxville - He's an expert tracker, but has always had a bit of a problem covering his tracks.

Finally, I'll leave you with the most awesome first name ever. I've actually run across this twice this year:
Swayze Black - BB player at LSU. I've also seen an attorney in MS named Swayze.  I'm not sure there could be a name that exudes more cool than this.  Unless it was Dalton. If you don't believe me, just scroll up to the top of this page.  RIP, you cool SOB.

One Step to Moron

 What is it about success that turns people into complete morons? Look no further than your TV: Undercover Boss shows just how ineffectual executives are. Week after week, we are treated to CEOs, seemingly smart enough to run multi-million (or billion) dollar companies, failing at the simplest of tasks and being shown up by people making $10 an hour.  So far this year, we've seen executives that can't clean a plane, have trouble checking people into a hotel, and can't hold a conversation on a service call. In other words, these executives making tons of money, can't do even the simplest job in their respective companies.



Not that I can talk, as many of you know, BoDerickus is an attorney. I have realized that the longer I practice law, the harder it gets for me to do the simplest of tasks. I can navigate the most complex of contracts, but can't figure out how to fax something from the copier. I can argue a point in front of a judge, but can't figure out how to change the message on my phone. Where's my assistant when I need her?

It's King Biscuit Time!

Sonny Boy Williamson and Lee Trevino?

Last Thursday, me and my brother-in-law, The Bald Hippie, headed down to the picturesque hamlet of Helena/West Helena, Arkansas for the 25th annual blues festival which now has regained the mighty, and appropriate, name of The King Biscuit Blues Festival.  Yes, I know, Helena/West Helena is a dump, and yes, it is quite stupid that they use both names for this town.  And yes, they have three half-decent hotels for 25,000+ attendees.

The King Biscuit is one of the best blues festivals in the country and is definitely one of the most laid back music experiences I have ever had. People come from all over the world to attend this festival. During the first two days, I met people from Chicago; Long Beach, CA; St. Louis; Cleveland; England; Oslo, Norway; Kansas City; Amsterdam; and Manitowac, Wisconsin.

The first night, we saw Reba Russel, Paul Thorn from Tupelo and the awesome B.B. King, 85 years old and still rocking.

Paul Thorn-He's released multiple albums and been thumped by Roberto Duran back in the 80s

B.B. King was seated, but that didn't stop him from really bringing the house down.

Just before the B.B. concert, I learned that the old guy sitting next to me was a H/WH resident and he had seen Sonny Boy Williamson and Muddy Waters play a club there in 1952.  1952! That's 58 years ago people. Just some of the cool stories you find at the King Biscuit. Stay tuned for more of the updates as I get more pictures downloaded.

Crazy Drummer Boy

Big ups to Moniker for finding this little gem:



I'm telling you, if I could put as much energy into practicing law as this guy does as a drummer, I could cure cancer (or something like that). Let's break down the drummer’s styles (in order):

Fairly calm – twirling sticks

Throws sticks, gets a little crazy

Brings it down a notch

Does the windshield wiper

Does the Robot

Time to bring back the flurry

Pete Townsend windmill action

Around the world (head)

Bat-shit crazy

It is especially funny given that he’s playing with a couple of guys who appear to need their pulses checked. Also, does this band really need an emcee?

Answers to Movie Quote-apalooza II

The Bald Hippie knows how to use Google, ladies and gents. What's really sad is you still missed one. I'm retiring the movie quotes for a bit, didn't seem to take off. Here are the answers:

1. Weird Science - the beautiful Kelly LeBrock (pre-Steven Seagal meltdown)
2. Fletch
3. Roadhouse - Sam Elliot is the most awesome guy alive
4. A Fish Called Wanda
5. They Live - Spoken by Rowdy Roddy Piper - See below
6. Spaceballs - Mel Brooks send up of Star Wars
7. Back to School - Rodney Dangerfield
8. Zombieland
9. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
10. Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby



Quick explanation: The sunglasses allow Piper to see the aliens hiding among us, the gun, obviously, helps him kick alien butt, and the mullet lets him look fabulous doing so.

BoDerickus' BNOW

It's Friday, it must be time for another exciting installment of the Bad Name of the Week:

Alias Humphreys - Gamer at EA Games - When Alias checks in at a hotel, he uses the name Joe.

Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K Smith - Topeka, Kansas boy born to Evelyn and Kendall Smith way back in 2003 - Seriously, what the heck kind of name is Kendall for a boy?  Who else wants to bet that Urhines is pronounced yourhighness?

Jetson G. Hollingsworth - Attorney for Butler Snow - The G. stands for George - Jetson's parents were big Hanna-Barbera fans.

Ayatollah William Wallace - Convicted of kidnapping - In court he stood up and yelled: "they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!"

See what I did there? You thought the easy joke is about Ayatollah, but instead, BoDerickus makes an obscure reference to a movie about a Scottish revolutionary. BoDerickus is uncompromising in his dedication to the BNOW.

Movie Quote-apalooza II

How about another round of guess that movie quote?  All of these movies are definitely in my favorites, which tells you all you need to know about me. I'll even throw a couple of hints your way (not that they will be very helpful). Make sure you throw in your answers in the comments section, and, again, please don't use anonymous for your tag, be creative.  Winner gets to have bragging rights as the second best movie genius on this website.  Here we go:

1. You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of hundred kids running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.

2. Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.

3. This place has a sign hangin' over the urinal that says, "Don't eat the big white mint."
*If BoDerickus had three hands, he would give this movie three thumbs up.

4. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself." And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes. I looked them up.

 5. I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass ...and I'm all out of bubblegum.
*Without a doubt, one of the most entertainingly cheesy movies of the 80s starring one of the most entertaining wrestlers of the 80s.  Bonus points if you can name the "actor".

6. So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
*An underrated spoof movie from the 80s.

7. Are you fat? When you go jogging, do you leave potholes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do the elephants throw you peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say OK!?
*This movie just doesn't get any respect.

8. There's a box of Twinkies in that grocery store.  Not just any box of Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. Someday very soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go  . . empty.  Time to nut up or shut up!
*Great movie from last year. 

9. Brody's got friends in every town and village from here to the Sudan, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom, he'll blend in, disappear, you'll never see him again. With any luck, he's got the grail already.
Cut to Brody: "Uhhh, does anyone here speak English? Or even ancient Greek? Water? No thank you, sir . . . fish make love in it.
*Movie number 3 in a 4 part collection; my favorite movie ever and one of the best action movies of all time. Also, it doesn't get any better than that last line.

10. Hell yes I am! They are winners! That is how winners talk! If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Today's installment: INCEPTION

In haiku format:

Trippy and intense.
Leo's gaze always somber.
End. What just happened?

BoDerickus' BNOW

Here we are folks, back for another exciting week of scanning the globe for the best names in existence. Let's get started, shall we?

Fairly Vanover - TN Court of Appeals - The name's Fairly. Fairly Vanover. Excuse me, do you know you're first name is an adverb?

Uranius Johnson - WR at Marshall - Heh, heh . .  heh, heh . . . he said urnaius. 

Uranius is the name of a Roman usurper cited by Zosimus. Somebody's mom really liked their Roman history.

I object, your Honor, the mummy
is leading the witness

Imhotep Alkebu-lan - Attorney in Jackson, MS - Imhotep was the high priest of Ra circa 2675 BC. It looks like Imhotep has come back as a criminal defense attorney in Jackson.

 

 

 

As an aside, my favorite hotep, you ask?

Thank ya! Thank ya very much!

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Today, a movie that I have been eagerly awaiting for months.  This movie is a big old block of jalapeno cheese dipped in Velveeta and then fried a golden brown. I'm talking about:

                                                                    MACHETE

Throw in Cheech and Lindsay Lohan and you have the greatest cast ever assembled!

Babes, blood and big ol' blades.  Not enough? How about bare boobies, bad guys and beheadings? Still not enough to get you in?  Okay: Bambitas, Banditos, bazookas and balls out action.  You know Machete is the guy who will get it done for you; he's a real MexiCAN.  

**The following will only to be understood by a handful of people**
I was met by the media on the way out and asked how I liked the movie. My answer (for some reason in an old Jewish woman's voice): I  LOVED  IT!!!  I'm going to see it . . . . . . .  TWICE MORE!

Who Knew -Ninjas Are Pansies

I have so many questions / comments about this video:
1.  Why is the guy driving a car that looks like it belongs on the "It's a Small World" ride at Disneyworld?
2.  Never complain about American TV.
3.  Skates?  Really?
4.  Is the economy so bad that one of the Ninjas had to borrow his mom's minivan to carpool in?
5.  Was that the deadly Ninja arm whip that I see executed to perfection?
6.  That car is so small and unstable, the Ninjas could have easily ninja'd the car over on its side.
7.  I mean,skates? Really? Nothing says stealthy like rollin' on 8 wheels.
8.  Who were these ninjas' masters, the Bay City Rollers?
9.  Moral of the story - If you ever need to get away from Ninjas, you better hope they are wearing skates and you can find a hill.

Slow News Day

Check out the "Quick Vote" section on the right in this screencap from the CNN website:

Thanks to the Bald Hippie for this.

CNN is finally getting its finger on the pulse of America with this question.

Some of you may say: "Is this is news?" To you I say, are you kidding me? Of course this is news!

And CNN, the answer is a resounding "Yes." We should fear those scaly bastards (and the green ones, and the furry ones and the ones who look like a bloated Vinnie Barbarino with dreadlocks). But not the ones with long fingers that like Reeses Pieces. They just want to go home. I’m wearing my tin foil hat as I type this.

Hotty Toddy??? Ah, Hell!

Awesome day, until . . .

It was a beautiful day for football, one of the best opening days in the past 10 years. Sunny, high of 83, the Grove was warm and inviting, Masoli was cleared to go, and the Rebels were enjoying a first half whipping up on a cupcake Div.I-AA team.
And then . . .

Actual looks on the faces of the people in my section.

As the crowd looks on in utter disgust; the bottom drops out and the rug is pulled from under the Rebels.

If you would have told me yesterday that the Rebels would lose to Jacksonville State, I would not have believed you any more than I would if you told me Jacksonville State hails from Alabama rather than Florida.  Wait, what?  Really? There's a Jacksonville, Alabama?  Great, now Ole Miss will lose 3 games this year to teams from Alabama.

If there's one thing I learned from 70's radio, it's this:
1. You don't pull on Superman's cape.
2. You don't spit into the wind.
3. You don't coast after you get a decent lead and then let J-State get momentum heading into the 4th quarter.
4. You don't mess around with Jim (or Slim).
That Jim Croce was an eerie prognosticator.

WTF?

Yesterday, I was in a gas station in East Tennessee when a woman got two Mountain Dews, three Red Bulls, a cup of coffee, two packs of cigarettes and $3.00 in gas.  I am crapping you negative. 

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

The Expendables

There is no way to make this picture any more manly.

Sly Stallone and a band of four other over-muscled, gun crazy mercenaries take out a small country. These five guys (!) laid a smack down on the entire army of this country in such spectacular, explosion laden manner that I found myself cheering nervously. As I was watching this movie I could feel my testosterone levels steadily rising.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go outside and punch a Russian.

Movie Quote-apalooza

How well do you know your movies?  Can you pick out a movie from just one quote, WITHOUT using Google (or some search engine)? If you know any of the movies, leave your answer(s) in the Comments section (along with your nom de plume). Let's see which YMGTC reader is a movie genius.  Remember, no cheating.

I'll try to start out easy in this inaugural edition of Guess That Movie:

1.  Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

2.  I'd buy that for a dollar!

3.  You're bleeding, man. You're hit.
      I ain't got time to bleed

4.  Ray, when someone asks you if you're a God, you say, "Yes!"

5.  I'll be taking these Huggies, and whatever cash ya got.

6.  Listen, strange women lying in ponds and handing out swords is no basis for a system of government.

7.  We are men of action, lies do not become us.

Now to separate the pretenders:
8.  "I can see Jupiter, Saturn, Pluto" . . . "All I can see is Uranus."

9.  "I'll be back!" . . . "Only in a rerun."

10.  My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star, were innocent victims when they were destroyed by the Rebels.

Happy guessing.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Salt - Starring Angelina Jolie and her lips.  Jolie kicks butt, stares icily at everyone and may, or may not, be a Russian spy (hey, it's in vogue again).  It's a raucous good time with a pretty good story, something that's not a given in any action movie.  All in all, good escapist fair. There's something about Russian villains that gives me the that warm and fuzzy 80s feeling.  

She must be Russian, look at her hat!

BoDerickus' BNOW

Well, it's been a while since the last update. Just to prove I'm still out there on the case, tirelessly searching for the next awesome name, here is a new batch:
  
Alpha Jones - Sheriff's Dept. - First born of the Jones family, very close to her youngest brother, Omega.

Porcelan Cheeks - Model - Because what model doesn't want Porcelan Cheeks?

Cyronose D. Spicer, Sr. - Candidate for Lauderdale County Mayor - Cyronose's mother was an admirer of the French dramatist and duelist, Cyrano de Bergerac, but I think she may have slightly mixed up the name and the author's most pronounced feature.

FYI for you science geeks out there: The Cyranose 32o, a $10,000 handheld electronic odor detector, can digitally analyze and identify a wide range of smells, in about 10 seconds.

And finally, from the Court system:

State of Tennessee v. Telly Savalas Johnson - His parents must have been big fans of Kojak, lovers of the lollipop, so to speak.

One thing this got me thinking about: Telly Savalas has a great part in Cannonball Run II (along with numerous other stars and famous names, including Frank Sinatra). The 70s and early 80s were great when it came to having huge casts or numerous cameos of famous people, especially in comedies. I think that's a lost art, something we don't see much anymore. Sure you have cameos pop up from time to time, like Mike Tyson in The Hangover, but no true "star-studded" affairs.  Maybe the new movie "The Expendables" will bring back some of that (seriously, check out the cast-it's like a testosterone filled homage to the 80s action blockbusters). Of course, it was written by and stars Sly Stallone, so that's probably the reason.

Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard

Last week, I was waiting to pick up my daughter from an after-school function. A doctor in white lab coat gets out of his Mercedes in the heavy rain. I mean it was pouring.  This guy gets out of his car and puts a Target bag over his head like a hat. Then he calmly proceeds to take off the lab coat and toss it back into the car. He locks the car manually, walks to the trunk, opens it and looks around the trunk. He then walks back to the driver's door and looks in. He opens the back door and looks in and pulls out a tiny umbrella.  Now that he has this umbrella (literally) covering his head; he takes the bag off his head.

Now, finally, he walks the approximately 15 feet to the covered overhang which runs all the way to the door. This guy just spent about 3-4 minutes in the pouring rain to find an umbrella to walk 15 feet which may have taken 10 seconds. His clothes are soaked and he is drenched from head to toe (except for his hair, thank goodness for that Target bag). 

What do you call the guy who finished dead last in his medical school class?
Doctor

Somebody's Making the Tracy Morgan Face

I was in Blockbuster today and noticed 2 movies with Tracy Morgan. Seems a little similar, eh?

Graphics Fail

Last night, a local newscast ran a horrible story about a pit bull attack. However, the graphics used in the lead up to the story left a lot to be desired:

Unless I am seeing things, that's a cuddly, cute kitten in the graphic for a dog attack.  Way to go, Channel 3! Nothing conveys the horrible fear of a dog attack like a smiling kitten.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

The A-Team
Four words for you: Hell to the yeah!
Awesome 2 hours of cheesy dialog, over the top stunts, explosions and craziness.  The casting was great, the movie characters all did great jobs living up to our old TV favorites and carrying forth the "aire de fromage" of the original.

Also, there's a great shot after the credits (yes, I'm a geek) of old Face and old Murdoch meeting their movie counterparts.  No Mr. T, however, what's up with that, was he too busy? Even the A-Team black van gets a cameo in the movie.

How is B.A. even standing?

No Plan B, also, no gold chains

Chuck Norris is awesome!

I'm flipping channels again and come across a movie with the most masculine man that ever lived:
The Octagon, starring Chuck Norris and his mustache. This movie is from 1980 and I'm pretty sure Chuck Norris and Tom Selleck had an 80s rivalry going for who had the manliest combo facial/chest hair on the planet. I can't tell you who was the best, but it's clear that we were all winners from this rivalry. 

I think, therefore I roundhouse kick.

If you look closely, you may see a medallion.

Man, that Chuck is smooth. Watch the way he handles his lady as she walks into a room where Chuck is having a conversation with a hot chick holding an Uzi:
Lady: Who's she?
Chuck: Nevermind.

And that's it, Chuck sure knows how to keep his lady in line.

I'm a few minutes in, and, wholly crap, some woman just got killed by a blowgun dart! After the death by blowgun, ninjas are scaling down a building to kill Chuck in his sleep. No dice, Chuck takes them out. He throws guys out windows, busts up all the furniture and then tells the manager (who came up to complain about the noise) that him and his lady were just getting a little frisky.  That Chuck, he's a sly one. 

Now Chuck is fighting with a sword . . . against a dozen or so ninjas and the head bad guy. A couple of roundhouse kicks fly.  Wait, its the killer who won't die from Silent Rage, and he's a good guy. I'm so confused.

This movie is all over the place. I've seen this before and I have no idea what's going on. He's released a bunch of prisoners being held by the ninjas . . . buildings are blowing up . . . the prisoners are revolting (that's what happens when you don't get to shower for a while). Chuck takes out the bad guy and walks off into a sunrise.
WTF? I have no idea what just happened. Also, I did not see any eight sided objects in this whole movie.

How about I close this out with a little Chuck Norris trivia: Chuck's real name is Carlos Ray Norris and this dude is 70 years old now.  I'm sure he could still roundhouse kick me into submission. Carlos served for 4 years in the Air Force, much of the time in Korea.

BoDerickus' Happy 4th BNOW

Today, a replay of a past patriotic version of the BNOW. These names really show American parents beaming with nationalistic pride.

From the book: Bad Baby Names by Michael Sherrod and Matthew Rayback:
Flag Hill
Nation Hamilton

Knight Patriot Smith (St. Peter Hospital birth announcement) - The Knight Patriot sounds like a bad B-movie hero.

Further proof that bad names aren't a new thing:
States Rights Gist – A lawyer and confederate general from South Carolina (b. 1831)

Legal Tender Coxey – Son of Jacob Coxey, a socialist politician from Ohio (b. 1870’s) - Tender Coxey was known all over Ohio as a smooth ladies man.

BoDerickus' BNOW

At the rate I'm going, I may have to change the name to BNOM(onth).  On to the BNOW, today, with pictures!

Current Events BNOW:
Taco Stein - Aruba's Attorney General (recently in the news because of Johan Van der Sloot)
Congrats to Taco's parents for honoring their Mexican and Jewish heritage.

Old School BNOW:
DeLong Bowman - 2nd Master of The Fairfax Hunt, a famous fox hunt in Fairfax County, VA started in 1928.
It's fitting that DeLong Bowman was a master of the fox hunt, if you know what I mean.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the British Army gives you Major Head:

Finally, an oldie but a goodie:

Leave it to the History Channel to do a long overdue bio on one of the great superheroes of yore: Capt. Hyman Shocker. Most people don't know that Capt. Hyman Shocker fought alongside Capt. America in WWII.

During WWII, the Germans hatched a diabolical plan: Die Biber Gegenstob (loosely translated to the Beaver Counter-Thrust), which unleashed a secret squad of deadly femme fatales to seduce and destroy the American GI.   While Capt. America was fighting the Nazi super-soldiers, the task of plugging Die Biberrate was left in the able hands of Capt. Hyman Shocker.  In a very risky maneuver, Capt. Shocker mounted a defense to Die Biberrate and then singlehandedly penetrated their frontline and drilled them into submission.  I mean, he really nailed them. Exhausted, Die Beber Gegenstob was disbanded soon after. What a story, I'm glad Capt. Hyman Shocker has finally been recognized.