Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Real Steel: Hugh Jackman and a robot boxer


Absentee dad reunited with his son for a road trip? Check

Main character drives a truck? Check

He's kind of a dick? Check.

Underdog fighting / competition? Check





 Remake of Over the Top.  The only thing missing is a backward hat and a thumb move.

Hollywood is really out of ideas.

BoDerickus' BNOW - Olympics Edition

I know I said long ago I wouldn't use foreign names on the BNOW, unless they are funny. Well, it's time to go foreign on your butts, because it's Olympics BNOW.

The Best: 
Dong Dong - Gold medal in trampoline. There are so many possibilities: the Dong so nice, they named him twice. No more jumpy on the trampoline, the Donger need food!

A couple of Dongs on a trampoline!

Also, I've got to say: trampoline? Really? Time to go on a tangent. BoDerickus is of the firm belief that anything that can be done in my backyard should not be allowed in the Olympics.  Gold medal for jumping on a trampoline? Nope.

The Gold Medal Badminton Game

Badminton, are you kidding me? Take your shuttlecock and get out. And to that I'm adding anything I can play in the rec-room of a church. Ping Pong (I refuse to call this Table Tennis), I'm looking at you. Not gonna do it. 

BMX Racing? Not sure, on the fence on this one. On the one hand, it seems to take some skill and stamina. On the other hand, it looks like they are riding a 1st grader's bike.



Destinee Hooker - USA Volleyball - What would lead a parent to name their child after a stripper when they've already got the prostitute thing going for them?

Semen Antonov - Russian Basketball - Fastest guy on the Russian squad. Always able to "stick it in the hole." 

Saralee Thoungthongkam - Thailand Badminton - Her parents were very fond of those delicious American bakery treats.

Reinder Nummerdor - Netherlands Beach Volleyball - His coach did let him play some Reinder games.  

Enter the Ninja

Martial Arts / Kung Fu / Karate movies were big business in the eighties, but ninjas were king. There were so many ninjas in the eighties it was crazy. You couldn't flip a throwing star without hitting some ninja. Everyone was jumping on the ninja bandwagon and those crazy ninjas rode it all the way through the eighties. Hell, there was even a motorcycle named Ninja that came out in the eighties. A quick count on IMDB shows over 50 ninja movies released in the nineties.

Michael Dudikoff was the coolest man alive!

Best titles from the eighties?
"Zombie v. Ninja" and "Never Kiss a Ninja"


I loved ninja movies back in the day (please close your mouth, I know its hard to believe). American Ninja was by far my favorite. There were five American Ninja movies, although I lost interest after Michael Dudikoff signed off. 

I stand corrected, Chris Farley was a master ninja

For some reason, ninjas didn't seem to move on into the nineties in the same way they had ruled the 80's. Yeah, there were some leftovers (Like the aforementioned American Ninja franchise) I guess they decided to own the eighties and then just faded back into the background, like a good ninja should. Well, I take that back, ninjas moved on to the 90s, just in a slapstick or kid friendly format.

And what do I do with these again?

I guess you can tell a bit about the movie I watched this week in the fact that I am four paragraphs in before I even mention the movie. In Enter the Ninja, some marketing guy had the great idea of taking a title that took the most famous Bruce Lee movie and roundhouse kicked it in the face with a little ninja.

I had never seen this movie before and there was a good reason why. This movie was really bad, but it sneaked up on you (kind of like a ninja) and sucked you in. In this one, Frank Nero plays an army vet who just completed his training at ninja school. Yes, you read that right, ninja school. Also, Frank Nero is an Italian guy with no (and I mean zip) martial arts training, let alone any ninja training. Any scene of him "ninja'ing", in fact, any scene with him doing more than walking and/or looking threatening was a bad cut-in to a stunt man. As you can see from the pic to the right, Nero comes from the Chuck Norris school of "the more hair the better" grooming.

How bad was this movie? The last frame of the movie ought to tell you all you need to know:

I look good, real good!

Sean Connery Joke of the Week

And finally, Sean Connery's also here so let's move on to Double Jeopardy where the categories are . . .

Not so fast Trebek.

 

I really thought that was going to work.

              

Well, you were wrong you mountebank. 
I pose a conundrum to ya, a riddle if you will.

 I don't want to hear it.

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Hobo with a Shotgun
Don't believe this is a real movie?

Hobo? Check. Shotgun? Check. Let's make a movie.

Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner; The Hitcher) is a hobo and he has a shotgun. And he uses it. A lot. What this movie lacks in decent writing and special effects, it makes up for in really crappy acting.  I give it a 10 on the Cleophus Crap scale.

BoDerickus' BNOW

Bronwen Hogshooter - West Tennessee ne'er-do-well.  Look at that name again, I'll wait. Bronwen is of Welsh origin and means "fair breast" or "white-breasted". Hogshooter is of mountain-folk origin and means "pig killer". So she is, I guess, a fair breasted pig killer.

Ms. Hogshooter was caught trying to sneak drugs into a correctional facility. According to the police report: "the alleged drugs were reportedly hidden in a private area of Hogshooter's and were confiscated."

Was she keeping them in the deep recesses of her psyche?  I'm not sure I'm following, but if the drugs were in a private orifice, I would hate to be the one who had to confiscate them.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Lockout

 
"Escape From New York" + outer space - Kurt Russel = this piece of crap.

Heck Yes, I'm Patriotic

Today is Veteran's Day, do you know what that means? Yes, today is another day for radio stations across America to show they are uber-patriotic.  How you ask? Let's look inside the bullpen to a meeting with the Program Director (do radio stations still have program directors? The only experience I have with radio, besides listening, is WKRP in Cincinnati).

In my experience, all program directors also have great feathered hair.

Program Director: Today is "Veteran's Day, 4th of July, Memorial Day, Anniversary of 9/11, Flag Day, Pearl Harbor day, fill in the blank", we need to show our listeners that we are true Americans!

Lacky 1: How about a melodic tribute to the armed services with Ray Charles singing America the Beautiful and Paul Simon's American Tune?

PD: What, are we trying to put our listeners to sleep? You're fired. 

Lackey 2: How about the Boss with Born in the USA and Jimi Hendrix's Star Spangled Banner?

PD: What are we, Commies? Not patriotic enough! I'm demoting you to janitor.

Lackey 2: I'm already the janitor.

PD: I thought you were a DJ.

Lackey 2: Yes, that too. Remember, this is a radio station.

PD: Dammit people, I need something good, something that will show our listeners we care.

Lackey 3: How about we play Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA three times an hour all day?

PD: Brilliant! Make it so! Note: in this skit, the PD is a big Star Trek nerd.

Instead, I give you (part of) a song that is more the embodiment of our modern military man and woman:
WARNING: This video has curse words and may not be appropriate for some readers with delicate sensibilities.

The Big Easy Ain't So Easy When You're 40

BoDerickus and some of his college roommates recently took a trip to New Orleans to celebrate the year we all became "a man".

If Mike Gundy believes, it so should you!

First, a side note: When I was in college with the guys mentioned above, I had a fraternity brother who wrote a comic strip for the school newspaper called "Lester Pace, Η Π" which was about a guy in a fraternity and his antics (and, as you can imagine, frequently raised the ire of the women's groups on campus). On a fairly frequent basis, the guy would write a comic strip about a funny incident that happened at the fraternity that only about 30 people on campus would understand. He once wrote a whole week worth of strips based on our pledge trip to the University of London (Ontario) that made no sense to anyone except the 20 guys who went on the trip. Anyway, I relay this story to you, my faithful readers, to let you know that this post will likely make no sense to you unless you happened to turn 40 this year and went to the Big Easy.  You were warned.

I only spank moose, no squirrel.

Some things I saw and/or learned around the French Quarter:

The Tigers spanked the Gators, but it didn't seem to matter to the Gators faithful after about midnight.

A cajun lady spanked a moose, and it liked it.  

You go up the balcony a stallion and come down a filly.

Walter points out some non-interesting tidbit he just made up

At the St. Louis Cemetery, there are three graves for Marie Laveau, the "Voodoo Queen" of New Orleans; people believe what they want to believe; grave robbers and illegal tour guides are a big problem and Walter can put you to sleep where you are standing.








The gay clubs look rowdy (and slightly scary).

Bourbon Street still smells like piss and stale beer (maybe people pissing stale beer).



The only things in the 9th Ward are empty lots, still damaged houses and (in the words of our concierge) goofy looking new houses that Brad Pitt built. See that house on the left? One BP built (or had built - I'm pretty sure Mr. "Ocean's Eleven" wasn't out there swinging a hammer). Kind of cool, but then look across the street and see this: 

 

Then it looks goofy and out of place, just like five 40ish white guys in a truck tooling around the 9th Ward.

BoDerickus' BNOW

How about a themed BNOW?  See if you can guess.

Sometimes the names I find are unfortunate, sometimes silly, sometimes awesome and sometimes just plain bad.

Mr. Hernandez being interviewed for the story

First, the silly: Albino Hernandez, interviewed for a story on the local news this week. See left for the screencap of the interview.


The unfortunate:
Alabaster Bonnafue - from Milwaukee, WI - This lady (or man, I don't know) has wonderful skin.

I know, I'll McPeek in your window.

And the awesome:
Frosty McPeek - Lakewood, Colorado - Skiing down Frosty McPeek is a great way to finish a day out at Crested Butte, CO. This name would also greatly describe a peeping tom snowman. 



Today, these last few names are REALLY BAD! This was from a couple of years ago, but its new to me. 


Adolf Hitler Campbell - Taken by New Jersey protective services from his "Nazi-Lovin" parents along with his siblings:
JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell.
As bad as the first two kids names are, it is sad that the poor last girl just got a name that kind of sounds like Heinrich Himmler.  Come on "White Power" parents, don't go soft for that last kids name. Go all in, you wieners.

Just think, herr furher, one day a couple of rednecks in New Jersey will name their kids after us. 

Deep Thoughts from Entertainment

Do you know what "nemesis" means?  A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent.  Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me.

Brick Top from "Snatch"

It's Log, From Blammo!

A couple of weeks ago, Demptravious, Bo's little brother, took this picture in our fine city in a parking lot outside a doctor's office:

Log, a tire thief's friend!

What props up a car
with three you'll go far,
so you can steal all of the tires?
What's great for a snack,
And fits on your back?
It's log, log, log!

Log, From Blammo!

It's log, it's log,
Who needs a jack, use wood.
It's log, it's log, it's better than bad, it's good!


Everyone wants a log!
You're gonna love it, log!
Come on and get your log!



Mr. Horse, do you have an opinion on what is happening to our fair city?

BoDerickus' BNOW

As all of you should remember, I started my blog using the name BoDerickus because I thought it was an awesome name. What many of you may not remember is that BoDerickus is a real person from my home town.  Well, last week, I came across a relative of BoDerickus while perusing my hometown tabloid.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Demptravious Jarkez Cox! 

Henceforth, on this Blog, my brother shall be called Demptravious, or Dempy, for short.

Wavenificent Kimmons - This name is stupendiferously fantational!

More you say? I hear ya, La Poco Jamón! Ok, just a little:

Philander Tots and Philander Steele - both of Jackson, MS - Ladies and gentlemen, what we have here are a couple of Philanderers. 

According to Whitepages.com, there are a lot of people with this name across the U.S. Why there are 5 people named Philander in the Jackson area alone. Some others across the country include, Philander Cornelious; Philander Gaters; Philander Lacsamana; Philander Palugod; and Philander Batchelor.

There is just way to much Philanderin' going on in this country.  I don't think people actually thought much about this name, likely they just got tipsy and had a very casual attitude about it, then left in the morning with no explanation. At least no one else is out there naming their kids after men with a morally suspect attitude towards the ladies.  What? Really? Oh.

Lothario Jones - Urbana University

Casanova Biddle - Sherman, TX

Don Juan Adams - Columbus, OH 

Good Gravy!

Very rare picture of Wolf Ruffin and Sowin' Oats Johnson out for a night on the town

Dr. Cleophus' "Late" Quickie Movie Review

Cowboys & Aliens

Horses can't outrun spaceships.

A belated Haiku for a movie I saw a couple of months ago:

Cowboy hats, no smilin'
aliens from space steal gold
Why? ET needs bling!

International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Avast ye scurvy dogs and wenches, it be that time of year again. Cap'n Cleophus be wantin' to wish ye a happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day with a couple of bad pirate jokes.

How do pirates know they be pirates?  They think, therefore they ARRRR!

So, this pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel shoved down his pants. The bartender looks at him and says…”You know you have a ship's wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “Yar! It be drivin’ me nuts!”

BA DUM BOOM! Thank ye, I'll be in port all week, try the salted meat.

BoDerickus' BNOW - Football Returns!

Everyone who knows BoDerickus knows two things; He likes Ole Miss and he knows they suck. While their proficiency on the field is suspect, their proficiency of bad names is unparalleled. I'm pretty sure I've covered the Rebs too much, since the only names I don't recognize belong to freshmen and transfers. It's been a while since the BNOW has reared its ugly head. Be kind and let me ease back into the funny. Oh, well, here goes:

This BNOW is dedicated to La Poco Jamón:

I pity the fool that runs the ball up the middle.

Chief Brown - Fr. DB - I don't have much faith in a guy who sounds like he should be the head fireman in Winona rather than the stud defensive back.







Senquez Golson - Fr. DB - This is a great name, but, I've got nothing. BoDerickus must be getting old.

I shall sweep the field with you!

Serderius Bryant -Fr. LB - It doesn't take a sorting hat to know this guy belongs on the field. Serderius will hit you so hard you'll spit up your butterbeer. 

Ja-Mes Logan - So. WR - Repeat, you say? Well, I say his name's still Ja-Mes. 

Special BYU bonus for kicking Ole Miss tail the first week:
Eathyn Manumaleuna - Jr. DL - This is one interesting spelling of the classic Ethan.  This guy seemed like he was in on every tackle, but it was probably that it took the announcer so long to say his name that the next play started.

Special Southern Illinois bonus for not beating the Rebs in week 2:
MyCole Pruitt - RS Fr. TE - Interesting spelling of Michael?

And in preparation for this weekend: Vandy:

Is that a Black Bear?

Archibald Cornelius Barnes - Jr. LB - This a perfect name for a football player at Vandy . . . in 1894.  I say, chap, let us slap on our leather caps and hit the ole gridiron.


Lafonte Thourogood - Fr. QB - He's b-b-b-b-b-b-bbad, bad to the bone. By the way, Lafonte is French for "the melting." 


Take that, La Poco Jamón

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review: Bridesmaids

The lady on the left is a whole lot of funny.

Potty humor, socially awkward lead character, raunchy dialogue and dirty, dirty girls. This movie proves, without a doubt, that women can be as crass and disgusting (and funny) as men. Way to go ladies!

BNOW Special: Nicknames - They Ain't What They Used To Be

Like I've said before, if there is one thing America is awesome at, its giving nicknames.  Our country has a long, great tradition of hanging nicknames on its sports heroes.  Today, lets look at some baseball nicknames, starting back in the late 1800s to early 1900s. 

William Ellsworth "Dummy" Hoy - "Dummy" Hoy was the first deaf major league baseball player in 1886. Back then, the word "dumb" was used to describe someone who could not speak. Not much for being PC, were they? Speaking of PC, you've got to love that baseball card (below left). It's sponsored by Old Judge Cigarettes.  And what in the heck is old "Dummy" doing in that card, what kind of stance is that? 

What's that? What did you say about my glove?

I shall now slay some flying things. And rock a killer mustache.

Robert Vavasour "Death to Flying Things" Ferguson (above right) - Overlooking the guys real middle name for a minute, this may be the coolest nickname of all time.  I would guess, not knowing anything about this guy, that he was an outstanding outfielder. I would be wrong, since this guy played second and third base during his career. Looks like those early baseball players weren't very much for power hitting. 

Mordecai Centennial "Three Finger" Brown - MLB - 1903-1916.
Due to a farm-machinery accident in his youth, Brown lost parts of two fingers on his right hand. Sometimes, nicknames are just descriptive and nothing else. Turning this handicap to his advantage, he became one of the elite pitchers his era, known for his wicked curveball. Look at the shot of his hand below. I'm calling BS on this one, but I'm guessing "Three Finger" is a better nickname than "Crooked Ass Hand" any day. Also, I should have save Mordecai Centennial Brown for the regular BNOW column. 

His curve ball was great, but not as great as his split-nubbed fastball.

Face like a frying pan.

"Ugly" Johnny Dickshot - Baseball - 1936-45 - First of all, Johnny Dickshot is awesome all by itself.  But, obviously, given a proclivity for hanging descriptive nicknames on people, Johnny was not a handsome man. In fact, "Ugly" Dickshot was the self-proclaimed ugliest man in baseball. Looking at the picture to the left below, I agree he was not very attractive, but the ugliest man in baseball? I just will have to take him at his word. I take it back, Dickshot's so ugly, when he was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

See, here's the proof.

Willie "Puddin' Head" Jones- "Puddin' Head" was a third baseman who played for the Phillies from 1947-1959. My crack research (which means I looked on Wikipedia) did not turn up any reason for the nickname. I'm guessing Puddin' Head was as dumb as a can of corn.  Possibly because he took one too many beanballs. Maybe it was just because he liked pudding. The last one couldn't be right though, I'm pretty sure pudding wasn't around until Bill Cosby invented it in the 80s.   

Dr. Cleophus' "not so" Quickie Movie Review

Luda, The Rock, Paul, Vin and Tyrese - What a Country!

The fifth installment of the awesomely cheesy, always entertaining Fast and Furious series is a non-stop action fest, dripping in testosterone and so unbelievable it makes Thor look normal.  Fast Five has some of the best action sequences of any of the franchise and brings back players from all of the other movies to pull off a heist in Rio. 

Paul and Vin are back together as (now ex) FBI agent Brian and street thug Dom to take down a drug kingpin in Brazil.  Wait, wasn't Dom on his way to jail and the end of Fast and Furious?  Don't you worry your pretty little head about such details. That is neatly taken care of in the first 10 minutes of the movie with a daring car enhanced prison bus breakout.  Thankfully no one was killed in the slight crash that followed (the bus only rolled over about 37 times), just created enough distraction for our "hero" to escape.

Cars are stolen off a moving train, a double-cross happens, then Dom and Brian take a car off a cliff for an enormous drop into a lake. 

Hang on, just going off a cliff for a 200 foot drop into a lake

Do you smell what the Rock is cookin?

The Rock is hot on their trail, wearing a tee shirt so tight I can't believe he can take a breath and enough baby oil to supply the Goslin kids for a year. The Rock's entire team of "special agents" is armed out of their mind and nuts as a bucket of squirrels.  What about the Rock's team? Their names? Nothing . . . doesn't bode well for the team's longevity. 

The Rock always gets his man. How do we know this? He tells us. What? Are you gonna argue with him?  Didn't think so.

You want some? Step up out of that hole and it is on.

There's something about a computer chip and $100 million in drug money. A big plan to steal it is what brings the entire "gang" down to Rio.  None of that crap matters.  More cars are stolen, more cars are driven fast, and Rock keeps coming.  There's a huge meat-head fight between the two titans that are Vin and Rock and half a warehouse is torn down in the aftermath. 

The final scene is a great jaunt through downtown Rio with our two leads in Chevy muscle cars pulling a 10 ton GD safe behind them.  Spoiler Alert: After tearing up half the city, our heroes prevail (did we somehow doubt it?). 


The one thing missing from this movie? The corn-pone twangy goodness of Sean Boswell:

I like the way you talk.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Thor:

Have you seen my hammer?

Norse god or honey haired pretty boy? It's kind of hard to say from watching this.  Thor is living in the lap of luxury, swinging a big hammer (literally), the soon to be king and is ridiculously good looking. Why is this SOB so angry? 

Signs, Signs, Everywhere the Signs!

While riding around the city, it is fairly obvious that life moves real fast. You just have to stop and look around once in awhile, or you could miss some of the dumb-ass signs all around us. I'm not talking existentially, I'm talking about real signs made with real words. What do I look like, Ghandi?

Most of these signs don't even make sense. Do I feel like Italian or German?  Let's see:

I mean, who doesn't?

Nothing screams "German" quite li

I Luv Lasagna is just so simple in it's delivery. I mean, how can you really argue with that?  However, it seems that you might need something more on the menu than just this sweet noodle/cheese/meat delight. Let's take a closer look at this sign: I Luv Lasagna Etc. (with a little Italian caricature of a cook right above the etc.).   There is so much going on with this sign. Also, with the "etc." we know there's a whole lot more on the menu, even though we have no idea what that "etc." might be.   








As for the German restaurant, could you not come up with something a bit more German? I mean, if I'm hankering for some wiener-schnitzel, I'm not heading over to Mary's house of hot dogs. Maybe Frau Mary's German Restaurant would be more authentic. No, I've got it: Lili von Schtupp's German Spectacle.  I mean, that's a fwiggin' sweet name. You can thank me later, Mary. Maybe with a few free schnitzengrubens.  

What about the pickled pig's feet?

I saw this sign in the Holiday Ham store back around the holidays.
I don't know why I find this sign so hilarious. Is there that big a desire for "ham bones"? 
Well, this is the south. Either you love ham bones or that's your nickname, or something like that.

The scales of justice are weighing in favor of fatty foods.

Has there ever been a worse name for a restaurant? Also, farm raised catfish and smoothies?  That is one hell of a combination. Are there smoothies made out of catfish on the menu? So many questions about this restaurant. Also, what is a whole food smoothie? Can I get a cheeseburger smoothie with a side of fried catfish? If so, this may be the most awesome place ever to exist.

I hear one in the bush is worth two in the tuchis.

I almost feel like I shouldn't even have to comment on this one, but that's just not my style.

The Bald Hippie and I were riding through a not so great section of our fair city a few days ago. After passing by an adult bookstore and making the requisite jokes, we were stunned that this fine establishment was just a couple of hundred yards away. We actually did a spit take (minus the spit) and felt compelled to turn around and get a picture.

What do you say about something like this? Did no one think about the "ramifications" of this name before sending it to the sign maker?