Attorneys

Today's topic: Lawyers. For some reason, there seem to be a lot of attorneys with bad and/or funny names. All names are for entertainment purposes only.

Listervelt Bakari Middleton - I sometimes like to mix listervelt with bakari, fresh breath plus sweet rum, nothing could be better.

Sue H. Yoo - What? Someone slip on Jello from buffet? No matter, I call Sue Yoo.

Bedouin L. Joseph - This guy is an expert in oil and gas law, but he can never seem to settle at a law firm. You might say Mr. Joseph is a bit of a wanderer.

D. Porpoise Evans - What in the world could the "D" stand for to make him pick his middle name to go by? Damnation? Dimwit? Wait, I've got it, it probably stands for Dolphin. He probably just decided to use the more unique of the marine mammal names.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Inglorious Basterds - Brad Pitt, with his "Chester the Molester" 'stache and his bad East Tennessee accent can sum it up best: "Jews killin' NATsees."

BoDerickus' BNOW

From last year's football season: Tennessee and Vanderbilt
JerQuari Schofield (Fr. OL); Inquoris Johnson; and Nyshier Oliver (Fr. DB) – From University of Tennessee - Once bitter rivals for control of the North American buffalo hides, the Jerquari, the Nyshier and the Inquoris eventually joined forces with the Mohawks and the Oneida (who took time away from their cutlery production) to form the Five Nations. It is good to see their descendants are still working together for the common good.

Nu’Keese Richardson – U of Tenn. WR – When you leave out keese, it quickly goes bad and begins to smell. Nu’Keese, with its fresher flavor and newer design, is faster, stronger and longer lasting. All around a good move by the Pepsi Company.

Justin Cabbagestalk – OL Vandy: How do you decide on this for a last name? Why not Rutabagastem or Parsniproot? Was it just that his ancestor happen to be unlucky enough to be working in the garden on the day the king came by and handed out names? I can see it now: What? Cabbagestalk? But sire, I’m a tanner by profession, I just happen to be picking this cabbage today. Help! Help! I’m being oppressed!

Elvio Tropeano – DB Vandy: Hey Elvio, you wanna swat away that pass? Fuggehdaboutit.

Tim Fugger – DE Vanderbilt: At 6’2” and 250 lbs., this is one big Fugger. He credits his mother on teaching him how to play football; she was one bad mother Fugger.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Harry Potter and the Cheeky Monkey (I think that is the title, I've lost track) - Just like the last Harry Potter movie but with more hormones, evil spells and Quidditch.

BoDerickus' BNOW

In this post, I took a break from athlete names to explore other avenues for bad/awesome names. A wise man once said to me: "Not every person who is an athlete has bad name and not every person who has a bad name is an athlete."  All the following are from birth announcements in Spokane, WA and Kansas City, MO; no last names were given, so I'm using Smith.

The "My parent's wished I was Native American" category:
Angus Yellowhorse Smith - The parents chose to honor their Native American heritage and their love for AC/DC.

TreLance Little Fox Smith - Studies have shown that TreLance is at least three times better than Lance.

The "Strange but True" category:
Colin "BNT" Payton Smith - I've got some initials for you: WTF?

Jovie Gamma-Ray Turanga Smith - A big congrats to parents Jennifer and Stanley, I hope you enjoy those therapy bills.  Let's break down this name: Jovie: Latin for majestic; Gamma-ray: Electromagnetic radiation of high energy; and Turanga - the first name of a character on the TV show Futurama.  Who wants to place a bet that Stanley is a BIG nerd? 

BoDerickus' BNOW

Some best of from last football season:

Arceto Clark - Mississippi State - from Verona, MS - Who can forget when Arceto's tragic death led to the exile of Romeo from fair Verona, leading to the inevitable demise of the star-crossed lovers?

Mister Cobble - DT from Kentucky - That's MISTER Cobble to you.

Zipp Duncan - OL from Kentucky - This is not a nickname.  Just ask his sister, Nada Duncan.

Antwayne Glenn – DT Kentucky – (pronounced ANT-wayne) – This may be the most creative spelling (and now pronunciation) of Antoine yet.  Way to go Mr. and Mrs. Glenn, when you looked out there and saw Antwone, Antwaan, Antuan, and Antawn (all football players, btw), you weren’t fazed, you reached down deep and pulled it out.  Congratulations!

T'Sharvan Bell - DB from Auburn - Whatever you do, please don't squeeze the T'Sharvan.

Eltoro Freemen - LB from Auburn - This tough linebacker plays with bullish ferocity and when he charges you, he cannot be sidestepped.

Taikwon Paige - DB Auburn - What can Taikwon do for Auburn?  The real question is: what can't Taikwon do for Auburn?

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

The Time Traveler's Wife: Show up, hook up with Rachel McAdams, then take off because you have to "travel through time."

A big thank you for this addition sent in by faithful reader Drew.  It's a particularly strong one, since he has only seen the crap-tastic trailer (in his words). I feel I have to comment on this one, so here goes:

I can see it now.  "Sorry honey, I would change that diaper and then take out the garbage, but I've got to 'travel through time'."  It would be even better if he used air quotes in the movie each time he said "travel through time."  Even funnier if he said "I've got to "travel through time" (if you know what I mean)."

Who Loves Baseball?

This was sent to me by a co-worker, so I'm giving a shout out to Lil' Mac. Try as I might, I could not keep this to myself, so how about a special edition BNOW (with visual aid).  It was like a bad itch I could not wait to scratch, like a stiff joint that can’t be loosened, nothing I could do, short of some WD-40, could keep me from sending this. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

 

I do have to comment on the card itself.  Don’t you love how the photo is just taken with Rusty leaning on something in front of the stands?  There are 4 random people behind him on his baseball card for all eternity, not to mention the elbow and half a butt cheek.  Kind of comical.  

Mr. Kuntz is now an assistant coach for the KC Royals, which led to the papers doing my job for me:

Morning Photo: Rusty Kuntz Is Milking a Cow

                 Wow, just wow.   Great comment from EB: 

Wow is right. I see he played outfield.  I bet that Rusty Kuntz caught many a fly ball in his day.  Ba-domp – tish.  Thank you. Thank you.

 

BoDerickus' Tourney Special, Part II

Ohio upsets the Hoyas?  Murray State over Vandy?  Villanova squeaks by Robert Morris in OT? New Mexico just pushes by Montana in the last minute of the game.  What is this, the Bizarro NCAA Tourney?  Also, Butler upsets Texas El Paso.  Wait, my crack BoDerickus staff tells me that Butler was favored in this game.  How is a team named after everyone’s favorite pick in Clue favored to win?  Seems like Butler did it in the Pavillion with a lead pipe. 

One day into the tournament and I’m already in the crapper (firmly entrenched in the upper middle of the standings).  Except for my BNOW picks, that is.  Old Dominion and St. Mary’s come through, but TX misses by one point to keep me from a perfect 3-3.  Did I say that Murray State and Ohio had “no chance to advance?”  Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, the Great Oz has spoken.  

I have got to start with the best name in the tournament (possibly the best name ever):

Just-in’love Smith (Sienna) – Nickname is J-Love – fitting.  This may be the best use of creative naming and punctuation ever in a name.   

Now, on to the picks:

Upset Lock of Friday Games:

Utah State (12) over Texas A&M (5)

Utah St:

Pooh Williams – Ok, I know this is a nickname (given name is Earnest), but why pick a name synonymous with either a stuffed bear or a bowel movement?  It is not very intimidating.  Here is an actual quote from a Utah St coach: Pooh really matured as the season went on and became very offensive (ok, so I paraphrased a little).

Jaxon Myaer – pronounced Jackson.  Then why spell it with an X? 

Tai Wesley – Tai says if he can get his Chi in line with the universe, he will be unstoppable.   

TX A&M:  Dash Harris (Dashan Karon Harris) – Best Dash since the one in The Incredibles and the 40 yard.  

Toss Up Prediction:

Cal (8) over Louisville (9)

Cardinals: Rakeem “the Dream” Buckles – meh, not too bad.

Cal:  Markhuri Sanders-Frison – Nobody ever has to wait on Markhuri.

Bak Bak – This is how it is listed in the Cal media guide although his name is Bol Bak Deng (from Sudan).  How is Bak Bak better than Bol Bak? And I can’t shake the image of him walking menacingly around the court, pumping his fist with a maniacal look on his face while the crowd chants “Bak Bak! Bak Bak!” al la Chong Li from Bloodsport.

Best Overall BNOW Team (with no chance to advance):

AR-Pine Bluff:

Lebaron Weathers – Like I have said before, if you are going to name your kid after a car, don’t go with one that screams failure.  Why not just call him K-Car Weathers?

Tavaris Washington – Tavaris, Spanish for “a Hermit’s Place.”

Savalance Townsend – New for 2011, the Savalance gets 37 mpg on the hwy and looks stylish.  Sorry, it’s late.  

Probably not advancing:

Junior Salters (Wofford) – I know Junior is not his real name, come on, I’m from Mississippi.  I really just wanted to comment on the fact that the Wofford mascot is (are?) the Terriers, which may be the wimpiest name ever for a mascot.  When you’re picking a mascot and settle on a dog, why on earth do you go with a Terrier.  Just call yourself the Wofford Yippiedogs.  At least they could have called them the Fighting Terriers.

BoDerickus' NCAA Tourney Special

It’s that time of year again, time for me to fill out an NCAA Tourney bracket that I know nothing about.  I wish it was about luck.  In the past, I have filled out my brackets in the following ways: studied the teams and records, picked based on which mascot would win in a fight, picked by throwing darts at the bracket and tried the "girl in the office" way of picking based on where I would want to live.  I have never finished above the lower middle of the pack.  So this year, I’m using a method much to complicated to go into in this space, but it does include determining which team has the most awesome/bad/unusual names.

Anyway, here are a few picks for you based on the above highly scientific formula (oh, and do not use this for betting purposes, in case you missed it above, I suck at predictions):

Upset Lock of Thursday Round:

Old Dominion (11) over N.D. (6)

O.D. –   
Marsharee Neely – His teammate Anton calls him a ball hog, saying its always about Marsharee, Marsharee, Marsharee! 
Marquel De Lancey – This name sounds like it should be a French royal.

N.D. – Mike “the Hammer” Broghammer – Seriously, when your worst name on the team is this, you are in bad shape; shame on you Irish. 

Toss Up Prediction:  Texas (8) over Wake Forest (9)

Wake Forest -   
Ishmael Smith – Ishmael says the NCAA Trophy is his “white whale.”

Phaethon Bolton – His dad, Helios Bolton, played for the Suns.

Texas -             
J’Covan Brown – I J’got nothing.

Varez Ward – Varez is a nickname, his real name is Kyievarez.

Dogus Balbay (from Turkey) – I know I said I wouldn’t regularly do foreign names, but come on: Dogus? Balbay?  Together?  Actually a turkey sandwich isn’t complete without a little dogus balbay.  

Probably not advancing:

UTEP – Julyan Stone – Is this like Juliann or July-an?

            Yaw Mensa – Yaw sure, he’s from Sveden. I’m kidding, he’s from Houston.

No Chance to Advance:

Picasso Simmons (Murray St) – It’s a shame too, because Picasso really plays well in the paint. 

Asown Sayles (Ohio) – Well, sown means to spread with seed, do you think the parents were that deep with the meaning?  I’m guessing not. 

Zahir Carrington (Lehigh) – Zahir is obsessed with playing basketball.

You Pick It: Best Overall BNOW Team (with no chance to advance):

Sam Houston State:

Marco “Polo” Cooper – This guy is a marvelous swimmer.

Josten Crow – I am pretty sure that Heckle and Jeckle were josten crows.

Drae Murray - Nada

Or:

East TN State:

Jarvis Jones – This guy really should be playing for Butler (HI-OOHHH!!)

De’Shaud Johnson

Jocolby Davis – One of the best law firms in the Johnson City area.

Finally, I had one toss up that I could not fix with any of my past prognosticating tricks:

St. Mary’s (10) vs. Richmond (7) – No help there, not much different between a 7 seed and a 10 seed.  Record?  Basically the same. Conference? Both equally crappy.  Bad names?  St. Mary’s worst are Omar and Beau; Richmond’s is Darrius.  No help there.  Mascots? Gaels v. Spiders – What the heck?  Gaels are an ethno-linguistic group which originated in Ireland. That may be the worst mascot ever.  I guess an Irishman could step on a spider, so St. Mary’s in an upset???

More to come tomorrow.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

I heard this idea was being done on Twitter and am appropriating it for myself.  Every so often, I will give a review of a movie I have seen recently in a concise and perfunctory manner. It will usually be in one sentence or less, but I reserve the right to go longer.  I have extremely bad taste in movies (which most of you already know), so don’t expect any Merchant Ivory films on here. 

Transformers – Revenge of the Fallen:  If you like explosions and women in skin tight shirts running in slow motion – do not miss this movie!

People I Know / People Named After Cars

As an aside to my post last week, I have determined that I know a lot of country people (i.e. rednecks).  I feel certain I would take the cake in “southern” names among my friends and acquaintances.  If you feel you can beat the following, by all means let the group know.  I know most of these are nicknames, but everyone of these people are commonly called by these names (* indicates I am related to this person):

2 JoJo’s; 4 Bubba’s (1*); 1 Skeeter (*); 1 Skeeta (*) – or Little Skeeter, depending on how old the person is; 1 Bo Jack; 1 Billy Joe; and 1 Jimmy Dale. 

 

Now, on to today’s feature: Parent’s who name their kids after cars:

I saw this on a news site a few weeks ago:

Craig and Sondra Harrington have a 6-year-old daughter by the name of Lexus. Their twin daughters born on 28th October last year have been named Porsche and Audi

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution (AJC) keeps lists that are AJC analysis of Georgia Department of Human Resources birth records from January 1990 through July 2007.  I have barely scratched the surface of the site, but, in Georgia alone, here are some of the most popular names of people named after cars (with the total in parenthesis):

Sienna (133); Aurora (156); Kia (116); Avalon (20); Camry (60); Elantra (18); Infiniti (13); Nova (29); and Lexus (160).  This doesn’t even take into account the creative spellings some parents use, like: A’lexus, Lexxus, Lexis and Lexxis (maybe these last two just have attorneys for parents). 

We can all understand the appeal of the fancy, prestigious car names, but what were these parents thinking?

Chevelle Jai Smith (birth announcement from St. Joseph’s hospital) – She was obviously named after the place where she was conceived.

Taurus Merriweather – (TN Bar Association) – Come on, if you are going to name your kid after a car, couldn’t you pick a better one than the Taurus.  Why not just name him “LameCar Merriweather” or “Sensible Ride Merriweather” or maybe “Middle-Aged Whiteguy Merriweather”? BTW, there were 51 people named Taurus in Georgia.

BoDerickus' Class Reunion BNOW

In honor of my 20^th year high school class reunion held this weekend in picturesque SmallTown, MS, I give you the all Panola County / all crime edition of the BNOW (as you can see, I have changed from BNOD(ay) to BNOW(eek) given the frequency of my updates, deal with it).

All names are from the Police Blotter of The Panolian, the local county paper:
ShaKiffany Johnson (DUI) – Just plain Tiffany did not feel right for her mother, then she just had a sudden, intuitive feeling for the name, a shakiffany, if you will.

Taimeara Lashun Lockett (Disturbing the peace) – You do not want Taimeara disturbing your peace, believe me.  She (just an assumption, but I don’t know) was probably using those ancient Chinese fighting skills with which she shares her name.  

Marlandos Burns (Disorderly Conduct) – His mother was a big Billie D. Williams fan, but wanted to give the name it’s own style also. 

Raymond B. Ray (speeding) – Let’s see, Mississippi resident (check), lived in a rural area (check) – I guarantee this guy went by Ray Ray.  On a side note, my brother went to high school with a guy named Bo Jack Jackson.  And he used both first names, seriously, who does that?

And, the “I wish my kid was famous” portion of the police blotter:

Krystal Gail Mister (Disorderly Conduct) – The parents were hoping for either a wonderful singer with good hair, or a stripper – guess which one they got.

Danny Thomas Howard (MJ possession) – I met Danny Thomas once, you sir, are no Danny Thomas.

Howard Vince Gill (Weekends in Jail) – Really, that is what he was listed for in the paper.  What does this mean? Was he arrested because he broke into the jail to sleep off a hard night a’la Otis from the Andy Griffith Show?

BoDerickus' BNOD

I have LaBeen a bit LaCovered up this LaWeek, so all I’ve LaGot for you is:

LaRay Foote, football player from Kentucky

LaZarius Livingston, DL from LSU

LaThank you guys. 

BoDerickus' BNOD

Earlier this week, as I was getting ready for work, I had on one of those morning shows (Today, I think) and during the weather, there was a girl in the background holding a sign that said “My boyfriend’s name is Mason Dixon.” They asked her about it and she said that her boyfriend’s name was really Mason Dixon and they were from Alabama (imagine that!). Also, I learned on this show that Michael Jackson is still dead.

That leads me to give you the all-Redneck version of BoDerickus’ BNOD:

Mason Dixon seems to be a popular southern name, it can be a first and last name and a first and middle name. There is no end to the ingenuity of the redneck and their pride of living in the south. My favorite find was from Alabama:

Jaydasen McKinlee Jones and Mason Dixon Jones, or as I read on to find, little Jayda and MayMay.

I cannot get over the Mason Dixon thing, do parents think it’s funny? There were many examples of this. I feel the scene went something like this (think of Holly Hunter’s accent from Raising Arizona): Bubba, I really luve this baybe we gonna have soon. It needs a good strong, God-fearin’ southern name. I got it, we gonna name him Mason Dixon, it don’t get any stronger than that. That’s awesome, Britanni, you’re so smart, let’s get hitched. Whoohoo! Call your cousins Bubba and JoJo, and we got to find someone to watch Jayda while we go to tha casinas for our honeymoon. End of scene.

Others:

Jim Bob Cooter – Backup QB for the University of TN (2002-2005) – If you’re last name is Cooter, why, oh why, do you name your kid Jim Bob? Isn’t Cooter enough?

And to prove that rednecks are everywhere, from the birth announcements of St. Joseph’s hospital in Bellingham, WA. Last name not provided, so I’m inserting Smith:

Tryce Tre Smith (3/09) – I’m thinking this was the couples third child, he joins brother Duece Duo and sister Numero Uno.

BoDerickus' BNOD

Quick hit:

Shomari Clemons – DB for LSU

Who’s the baddest mo’ fo’, lo-down round this town? Sho-Nuff! - the Shogun of Harlem.
Oh, then who’s the second baddest? Shomari, the shogun of Baton Rouge?

You are the last dragon, you possess the power of the GLOW!

Yeah, no one is going to get this one. Google now. I will have to follow up this soon with a bad movie review.

BoDerickus' BNOD

Ok, I resisted using this one as long as I could. It is crass and un-PC, in other words, perfect for the BNOD. It is also a gem in its simplicity. I have checked this one out personally and am including his Scout.com profile, just so you won’t cry “urban legend” on me.

Mike Hunt - Safety
Mississippi State University, Red shirt freshman
Ht: 6-foot-3; Wt: 204 lbs
Forty: 4.75 secs; Bench max: 300 pounds

According to the MS State website, Mike Hunt is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Mike Hunt, Sr. He was born in 1988, have these guys never seen Porky’s? Come on, there is really no excuse. Fortunately for BNOD, his holds endless joke potential.

I can hear the MS State announcer now:
Wow! Mike Hunt just got plowed by the fullback.
There’s just something special about Mike Hunt. I don’t know, I just can’t put my finger on it.
What a hit! Oh no, Mike Hunt is bleeding!
That pulling guard just slammed into Mike Hunt.

Or the coaches:
Mike Hunt is really sweating, hey Jasper, get in there and give Mike Hunt a breather.

What if he plays basketball also?
Son, Mike Hunt is killing us, you’ve got to get in there and really smother Mike Hunt.
Hey, someone has got to box out Mike Hunt.

I could just go on forever, but then again, so could Mike Hunt.

Update:
Mike Hunt has changed his listing in the MS State media guide to Michael Hunt. Also, check out the comments below.

Cool Attorney Name

One more for today:

Macbeth Wagnon, Jr., attorney for Bradley Arant. I’m not sure whether I am more surprised that there is someone named Macbeth, or that there is at least one more of them out there.

"I have bought Golden opinions from all sorts of people."
- William Shakespeare, Macbeth, 1.7

BoDerickus' BNOD

It's been awhile since my last post. I have written quite a bit over the last few months, but not posted. I'm going to try to catch up over the next few weeks and post multiple times from stuff I've written in the past. To start, I’m cheating a bit and “borrowing” some from the great “Deep Sport South” blog from a while back.

Kiante Tripp – OL, Georgia: Was Mom a bit of a boozer or a fan of Silence of the Lambs? I guess he’s better off than his brother “Favabeens”

Jo’Dane Craigman – DL, Kentucky: I cannot believe Jo’Momma did that to you.

And finally:

Captain Munnerlyn – DB, South Carolina: Because it’s just better than Mister, Sir and Sergeant.