Two Popped Collars Awesome!

I almost got to continue my streak of bad 80’s movies last night with the wonderful Cobra, starring Sly Stallone which also “stars” his wife at the time: Brigitte Nielsen.  I got about 20 minutes in and the wife came home, so bye-bye Cobra.  But the time I got to spend with Lieutenant Marion “Cobra” Cobretti was time well spent.  

What took you so long?

In the opening scene, some psycho dude heads into a supermarket and starts randomly blowing people away.  Those he doesn't blow away, he takes hostage.  Cut to outside and what looks like enough cops to take on a small country are on the scene, but no one can help.  What are we gonna do?  Important looking cop looks at another and says menacingly: "Get me Cobra."  In what seems to be about 20 seconds, Cobra comes squealing down the road in what appears to be a Panzer tank.  I haven't seen this much steel since that bad Shaq movie.  

Man, is it bright in here.

What a guy. He waltzed into a hostage situation in a supermarket and never took those sunglasses off (look at those things, you could be on Mercury and still not have to worry). He announced over the loudspeaker he was coming after psycho dude. He stopped and guzzled some beer from a can that had been punctured by a stray bullet from psycho dude.  You know you are bad when you can walk up announced, half blind and smelling like PBR and still take out a psycho with a shotgun with a buck knife to the stomach (followed by a few rounds of well placed ammo to the chest). Also, Cobra has a matchstick planted firmly in his teeth. Seems odd, but maybe something will happen later in the movie that explains this (foreshadowing alert).  





Anyway, I tell you all this because of a line that I would have never found funny back in the 80s.  Cobra comes out of the above situation to the street and is accosted by the media about using excessive force. His answer? I used all the force that was necessary. Then, the chief of police jumps in and says: “Leave him alone, what do you think this is, a public forum?” For some reason this really cracked me up. Actually, I think the street in front of the supermarket is the very definition of a public forum, but what do I know?

Is Brigitte walking in a ditch? She's 6 feet tall;
Sly couldn't be more than 5'8"

Is that cotton?  Click picture for full effect.

Then Cobra goes back to his place on the beach (I've got to admit, Cobra doesn't seem like the beach goer type).  Before retiring to his pad, he's got to take the time to accost four Latino gang-bangers hanging out in front of his place, even ripping the shirt of the head one.  Brave and smart, that’s how we liked our 80’s heroes. Might want to rethink this one Marion.  These guys know exactly where you live and what car you drive. Eh, no matter, I'm Cobra.  




Want more bad 80’s?  How about this: Sledge Hammer! A cross between Naked Gun and Dirty Harry.  Absolutely great in its badness.  Maybe one day, I can review this.

Cranky black boss? Check. Female adversary? Check.
We've got ourselves an 80s cop show here.

No, I did not just have 
cataract surgery, why?