Heck Yes, I'm Patriotic

Today is Veteran's Day, do you know what that means? Yes, today is another day for radio stations across America to show they are uber-patriotic.  How you ask? Let's look inside the bullpen to a meeting with the Program Director (do radio stations still have program directors? The only experience I have with radio, besides listening, is WKRP in Cincinnati).

In my experience, all program directors also have great feathered hair.

Program Director: Today is "Veteran's Day, 4th of July, Memorial Day, Anniversary of 9/11, Flag Day, Pearl Harbor day, fill in the blank", we need to show our listeners that we are true Americans!

Lacky 1: How about a melodic tribute to the armed services with Ray Charles singing America the Beautiful and Paul Simon's American Tune?

PD: What, are we trying to put our listeners to sleep? You're fired. 

Lackey 2: How about the Boss with Born in the USA and Jimi Hendrix's Star Spangled Banner?

PD: What are we, Commies? Not patriotic enough! I'm demoting you to janitor.

Lackey 2: I'm already the janitor.

PD: I thought you were a DJ.

Lackey 2: Yes, that too. Remember, this is a radio station.

PD: Dammit people, I need something good, something that will show our listeners we care.

Lackey 3: How about we play Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA three times an hour all day?

PD: Brilliant! Make it so! Note: in this skit, the PD is a big Star Trek nerd.

Instead, I give you (part of) a song that is more the embodiment of our modern military man and woman:
WARNING: This video has curse words and may not be appropriate for some readers with delicate sensibilities.

The Big Easy Ain't So Easy When You're 40

BoDerickus and some of his college roommates recently took a trip to New Orleans to celebrate the year we all became "a man".

If Mike Gundy believes, it so should you!

First, a side note: When I was in college with the guys mentioned above, I had a fraternity brother who wrote a comic strip for the school newspaper called "Lester Pace, Η Π" which was about a guy in a fraternity and his antics (and, as you can imagine, frequently raised the ire of the women's groups on campus). On a fairly frequent basis, the guy would write a comic strip about a funny incident that happened at the fraternity that only about 30 people on campus would understand. He once wrote a whole week worth of strips based on our pledge trip to the University of London (Ontario) that made no sense to anyone except the 20 guys who went on the trip. Anyway, I relay this story to you, my faithful readers, to let you know that this post will likely make no sense to you unless you happened to turn 40 this year and went to the Big Easy.  You were warned.

I only spank moose, no squirrel.

Some things I saw and/or learned around the French Quarter:

The Tigers spanked the Gators, but it didn't seem to matter to the Gators faithful after about midnight.

A cajun lady spanked a moose, and it liked it.  

You go up the balcony a stallion and come down a filly.

Walter points out some non-interesting tidbit he just made up

At the St. Louis Cemetery, there are three graves for Marie Laveau, the "Voodoo Queen" of New Orleans; people believe what they want to believe; grave robbers and illegal tour guides are a big problem and Walter can put you to sleep where you are standing.








The gay clubs look rowdy (and slightly scary).

Bourbon Street still smells like piss and stale beer (maybe people pissing stale beer).



The only things in the 9th Ward are empty lots, still damaged houses and (in the words of our concierge) goofy looking new houses that Brad Pitt built. See that house on the left? One BP built (or had built - I'm pretty sure Mr. "Ocean's Eleven" wasn't out there swinging a hammer). Kind of cool, but then look across the street and see this: 

 

Then it looks goofy and out of place, just like five 40ish white guys in a truck tooling around the 9th Ward.

BoDerickus' BNOW

How about a themed BNOW?  See if you can guess.

Sometimes the names I find are unfortunate, sometimes silly, sometimes awesome and sometimes just plain bad.

Mr. Hernandez being interviewed for the story

First, the silly: Albino Hernandez, interviewed for a story on the local news this week. See left for the screencap of the interview.


The unfortunate:
Alabaster Bonnafue - from Milwaukee, WI - This lady (or man, I don't know) has wonderful skin.

I know, I'll McPeek in your window.

And the awesome:
Frosty McPeek - Lakewood, Colorado - Skiing down Frosty McPeek is a great way to finish a day out at Crested Butte, CO. This name would also greatly describe a peeping tom snowman. 



Today, these last few names are REALLY BAD! This was from a couple of years ago, but its new to me. 


Adolf Hitler Campbell - Taken by New Jersey protective services from his "Nazi-Lovin" parents along with his siblings:
JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell.
As bad as the first two kids names are, it is sad that the poor last girl just got a name that kind of sounds like Heinrich Himmler.  Come on "White Power" parents, don't go soft for that last kids name. Go all in, you wieners.

Just think, herr furher, one day a couple of rednecks in New Jersey will name their kids after us. 

Deep Thoughts from Entertainment

Do you know what "nemesis" means?  A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent.  Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me.

Brick Top from "Snatch"

It's Log, From Blammo!

A couple of weeks ago, Demptravious, Bo's little brother, took this picture in our fine city in a parking lot outside a doctor's office:

Log, a tire thief's friend!

What props up a car
with three you'll go far,
so you can steal all of the tires?
What's great for a snack,
And fits on your back?
It's log, log, log!

Log, From Blammo!

It's log, it's log,
Who needs a jack, use wood.
It's log, it's log, it's better than bad, it's good!


Everyone wants a log!
You're gonna love it, log!
Come on and get your log!



Mr. Horse, do you have an opinion on what is happening to our fair city?

BoDerickus' BNOW

As all of you should remember, I started my blog using the name BoDerickus because I thought it was an awesome name. What many of you may not remember is that BoDerickus is a real person from my home town.  Well, last week, I came across a relative of BoDerickus while perusing my hometown tabloid.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Demptravious Jarkez Cox! 

Henceforth, on this Blog, my brother shall be called Demptravious, or Dempy, for short.

Wavenificent Kimmons - This name is stupendiferously fantational!

More you say? I hear ya, La Poco Jamón! Ok, just a little:

Philander Tots and Philander Steele - both of Jackson, MS - Ladies and gentlemen, what we have here are a couple of Philanderers. 

According to Whitepages.com, there are a lot of people with this name across the U.S. Why there are 5 people named Philander in the Jackson area alone. Some others across the country include, Philander Cornelious; Philander Gaters; Philander Lacsamana; Philander Palugod; and Philander Batchelor.

There is just way to much Philanderin' going on in this country.  I don't think people actually thought much about this name, likely they just got tipsy and had a very casual attitude about it, then left in the morning with no explanation. At least no one else is out there naming their kids after men with a morally suspect attitude towards the ladies.  What? Really? Oh.

Lothario Jones - Urbana University

Casanova Biddle - Sherman, TX

Don Juan Adams - Columbus, OH 

Good Gravy!

Very rare picture of Wolf Ruffin and Sowin' Oats Johnson out for a night on the town

Dr. Cleophus' "Late" Quickie Movie Review

Cowboys & Aliens

Horses can't outrun spaceships.

A belated Haiku for a movie I saw a couple of months ago:

Cowboy hats, no smilin'
aliens from space steal gold
Why? ET needs bling!

International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Avast ye scurvy dogs and wenches, it be that time of year again. Cap'n Cleophus be wantin' to wish ye a happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day with a couple of bad pirate jokes.

How do pirates know they be pirates?  They think, therefore they ARRRR!

So, this pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel shoved down his pants. The bartender looks at him and says…”You know you have a ship's wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “Yar! It be drivin’ me nuts!”

BA DUM BOOM! Thank ye, I'll be in port all week, try the salted meat.

BoDerickus' BNOW - Football Returns!

Everyone who knows BoDerickus knows two things; He likes Ole Miss and he knows they suck. While their proficiency on the field is suspect, their proficiency of bad names is unparalleled. I'm pretty sure I've covered the Rebs too much, since the only names I don't recognize belong to freshmen and transfers. It's been a while since the BNOW has reared its ugly head. Be kind and let me ease back into the funny. Oh, well, here goes:

This BNOW is dedicated to La Poco Jamón:

I pity the fool that runs the ball up the middle.

Chief Brown - Fr. DB - I don't have much faith in a guy who sounds like he should be the head fireman in Winona rather than the stud defensive back.







Senquez Golson - Fr. DB - This is a great name, but, I've got nothing. BoDerickus must be getting old.

I shall sweep the field with you!

Serderius Bryant -Fr. LB - It doesn't take a sorting hat to know this guy belongs on the field. Serderius will hit you so hard you'll spit up your butterbeer. 

Ja-Mes Logan - So. WR - Repeat, you say? Well, I say his name's still Ja-Mes. 

Special BYU bonus for kicking Ole Miss tail the first week:
Eathyn Manumaleuna - Jr. DL - This is one interesting spelling of the classic Ethan.  This guy seemed like he was in on every tackle, but it was probably that it took the announcer so long to say his name that the next play started.

Special Southern Illinois bonus for not beating the Rebs in week 2:
MyCole Pruitt - RS Fr. TE - Interesting spelling of Michael?

And in preparation for this weekend: Vandy:

Is that a Black Bear?

Archibald Cornelius Barnes - Jr. LB - This a perfect name for a football player at Vandy . . . in 1894.  I say, chap, let us slap on our leather caps and hit the ole gridiron.


Lafonte Thourogood - Fr. QB - He's b-b-b-b-b-b-bbad, bad to the bone. By the way, Lafonte is French for "the melting." 


Take that, La Poco Jamón

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review: Bridesmaids

The lady on the left is a whole lot of funny.

Potty humor, socially awkward lead character, raunchy dialogue and dirty, dirty girls. This movie proves, without a doubt, that women can be as crass and disgusting (and funny) as men. Way to go ladies!

BNOW Special: Nicknames - They Ain't What They Used To Be

Like I've said before, if there is one thing America is awesome at, its giving nicknames.  Our country has a long, great tradition of hanging nicknames on its sports heroes.  Today, lets look at some baseball nicknames, starting back in the late 1800s to early 1900s. 

William Ellsworth "Dummy" Hoy - "Dummy" Hoy was the first deaf major league baseball player in 1886. Back then, the word "dumb" was used to describe someone who could not speak. Not much for being PC, were they? Speaking of PC, you've got to love that baseball card (below left). It's sponsored by Old Judge Cigarettes.  And what in the heck is old "Dummy" doing in that card, what kind of stance is that? 

What's that? What did you say about my glove?

I shall now slay some flying things. And rock a killer mustache.

Robert Vavasour "Death to Flying Things" Ferguson (above right) - Overlooking the guys real middle name for a minute, this may be the coolest nickname of all time.  I would guess, not knowing anything about this guy, that he was an outstanding outfielder. I would be wrong, since this guy played second and third base during his career. Looks like those early baseball players weren't very much for power hitting. 

Mordecai Centennial "Three Finger" Brown - MLB - 1903-1916.
Due to a farm-machinery accident in his youth, Brown lost parts of two fingers on his right hand. Sometimes, nicknames are just descriptive and nothing else. Turning this handicap to his advantage, he became one of the elite pitchers his era, known for his wicked curveball. Look at the shot of his hand below. I'm calling BS on this one, but I'm guessing "Three Finger" is a better nickname than "Crooked Ass Hand" any day. Also, I should have save Mordecai Centennial Brown for the regular BNOW column. 

His curve ball was great, but not as great as his split-nubbed fastball.

Face like a frying pan.

"Ugly" Johnny Dickshot - Baseball - 1936-45 - First of all, Johnny Dickshot is awesome all by itself.  But, obviously, given a proclivity for hanging descriptive nicknames on people, Johnny was not a handsome man. In fact, "Ugly" Dickshot was the self-proclaimed ugliest man in baseball. Looking at the picture to the left below, I agree he was not very attractive, but the ugliest man in baseball? I just will have to take him at his word. I take it back, Dickshot's so ugly, when he was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

See, here's the proof.

Willie "Puddin' Head" Jones- "Puddin' Head" was a third baseman who played for the Phillies from 1947-1959. My crack research (which means I looked on Wikipedia) did not turn up any reason for the nickname. I'm guessing Puddin' Head was as dumb as a can of corn.  Possibly because he took one too many beanballs. Maybe it was just because he liked pudding. The last one couldn't be right though, I'm pretty sure pudding wasn't around until Bill Cosby invented it in the 80s.   

Dr. Cleophus' "not so" Quickie Movie Review

Luda, The Rock, Paul, Vin and Tyrese - What a Country!

The fifth installment of the awesomely cheesy, always entertaining Fast and Furious series is a non-stop action fest, dripping in testosterone and so unbelievable it makes Thor look normal.  Fast Five has some of the best action sequences of any of the franchise and brings back players from all of the other movies to pull off a heist in Rio. 

Paul and Vin are back together as (now ex) FBI agent Brian and street thug Dom to take down a drug kingpin in Brazil.  Wait, wasn't Dom on his way to jail and the end of Fast and Furious?  Don't you worry your pretty little head about such details. That is neatly taken care of in the first 10 minutes of the movie with a daring car enhanced prison bus breakout.  Thankfully no one was killed in the slight crash that followed (the bus only rolled over about 37 times), just created enough distraction for our "hero" to escape.

Cars are stolen off a moving train, a double-cross happens, then Dom and Brian take a car off a cliff for an enormous drop into a lake. 

Hang on, just going off a cliff for a 200 foot drop into a lake

Do you smell what the Rock is cookin?

The Rock is hot on their trail, wearing a tee shirt so tight I can't believe he can take a breath and enough baby oil to supply the Goslin kids for a year. The Rock's entire team of "special agents" is armed out of their mind and nuts as a bucket of squirrels.  What about the Rock's team? Their names? Nothing . . . doesn't bode well for the team's longevity. 

The Rock always gets his man. How do we know this? He tells us. What? Are you gonna argue with him?  Didn't think so.

You want some? Step up out of that hole and it is on.

There's something about a computer chip and $100 million in drug money. A big plan to steal it is what brings the entire "gang" down to Rio.  None of that crap matters.  More cars are stolen, more cars are driven fast, and Rock keeps coming.  There's a huge meat-head fight between the two titans that are Vin and Rock and half a warehouse is torn down in the aftermath. 

The final scene is a great jaunt through downtown Rio with our two leads in Chevy muscle cars pulling a 10 ton GD safe behind them.  Spoiler Alert: After tearing up half the city, our heroes prevail (did we somehow doubt it?). 


The one thing missing from this movie? The corn-pone twangy goodness of Sean Boswell:

I like the way you talk.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

Thor:

Have you seen my hammer?

Norse god or honey haired pretty boy? It's kind of hard to say from watching this.  Thor is living in the lap of luxury, swinging a big hammer (literally), the soon to be king and is ridiculously good looking. Why is this SOB so angry? 

Signs, Signs, Everywhere the Signs!

While riding around the city, it is fairly obvious that life moves real fast. You just have to stop and look around once in awhile, or you could miss some of the dumb-ass signs all around us. I'm not talking existentially, I'm talking about real signs made with real words. What do I look like, Ghandi?

Most of these signs don't even make sense. Do I feel like Italian or German?  Let's see:

I mean, who doesn't?

Nothing screams "German" quite li

I Luv Lasagna is just so simple in it's delivery. I mean, how can you really argue with that?  However, it seems that you might need something more on the menu than just this sweet noodle/cheese/meat delight. Let's take a closer look at this sign: I Luv Lasagna Etc. (with a little Italian caricature of a cook right above the etc.).   There is so much going on with this sign. Also, with the "etc." we know there's a whole lot more on the menu, even though we have no idea what that "etc." might be.   








As for the German restaurant, could you not come up with something a bit more German? I mean, if I'm hankering for some wiener-schnitzel, I'm not heading over to Mary's house of hot dogs. Maybe Frau Mary's German Restaurant would be more authentic. No, I've got it: Lili von Schtupp's German Spectacle.  I mean, that's a fwiggin' sweet name. You can thank me later, Mary. Maybe with a few free schnitzengrubens.  

What about the pickled pig's feet?

I saw this sign in the Holiday Ham store back around the holidays.
I don't know why I find this sign so hilarious. Is there that big a desire for "ham bones"? 
Well, this is the south. Either you love ham bones or that's your nickname, or something like that.

The scales of justice are weighing in favor of fatty foods.

Has there ever been a worse name for a restaurant? Also, farm raised catfish and smoothies?  That is one hell of a combination. Are there smoothies made out of catfish on the menu? So many questions about this restaurant. Also, what is a whole food smoothie? Can I get a cheeseburger smoothie with a side of fried catfish? If so, this may be the most awesome place ever to exist.

I hear one in the bush is worth two in the tuchis.

I almost feel like I shouldn't even have to comment on this one, but that's just not my style.

The Bald Hippie and I were riding through a not so great section of our fair city a few days ago. After passing by an adult bookstore and making the requisite jokes, we were stunned that this fine establishment was just a couple of hundred yards away. We actually did a spit take (minus the spit) and felt compelled to turn around and get a picture.

What do you say about something like this? Did no one think about the "ramifications" of this name before sending it to the sign maker?

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

PAUL

The schlub from Knocked Up voices an alien who must escape from the always ineffectual federal government with a couple of British nerds and a one-eyed religious nut-job. It's a comedy.  No, really.

And that's where aliens come from.

Apologies

If you saw my Friday night entry, I've got to say, it's probably not a good idea to blog while tipsy and watching the action packed films of John Woo. 

Dr. Cleophus Goes To The Movies, Sort Of

There are a lot of bad movies out right now. Even thought I keep a pretty sharp eye on all things entertainment, I have no idea what most of these movies are about. Nevertheless, I am going to try to review a few of these movies without actually seeing them (or at best, only seeing the preview). Here goes:

I've got crazy hair and a crazy gun, I'm here to pay my taxes.

Drive Angry 3D - An angry Nic Cage and his crazy, angry hair get in a big muscle car and angrily drive to the nearest IRS office to pay off some of his enormous debt. By the way, the official name of the movie is just as its written, not "in 3D"

Damn, there go the falsies.

Take Me Home Tonight - Tells the rocking true life story of Eddie Money, the hottest NYC cop of all time, on his crazy journey for cigarettes, Poly-grip and Sharpies. 



Unknown - I've got to be honest, I have no idea what this movie is about. Maybe this movie is a follow up to Take Me Home Tonight and attempts to explain what the heck is going on in that picture of Eddie.

RIP Pinetop Perkins

Pinetop Perkins, one of the last living blues legends died today at the young age of 97. As I talked about here a few months ago, I was able to see Pinetop play back at the King Biscuit Blues Fest for the second time in the past few years. This past festival, he played with his Muddy Waters bandmates Willie "Big Eyes" Smith and Bob Margolin, but he clearly drove the show.  He still sounded really good, which was an amazing feat for a 97 year old.  Below is a video of Mr. Perkins at age 95 singing "Down in Mississippi" with Bob Margolin on guitar. 

Born on a cotton plantation near Belzoni, Mississippi, in 1913, he worked the fields from age 7, drove a truck for a living at 18 and got stabbed in the arm in his late 20s. The barroom attack tore his tendons and cut his bone, ending his dreams of becoming a leading guitar man. Instead, he refashioned himself as a regal piano player. The tragedy — and turning point — in his musical life occurred in 1942, when an angry woman mistakenly blamed him for an offense her husband had committed and swung a blade at him.

"It was a freak accident," Perkins told the Chicago Tribune. "When she did that, I just said, 'Well, you just cut me out of my career, that's all I can say.' It was hard to start over. It was kind of rough, but I just figured out playing the piano the best way I could."

In 1969 in Buffalo, N.Y., Perkins, well into his fifties, sat in on piano during a jam session and earned a spot in the band of legendary bluesman Muddy Waters. By then, he had already performed with the likes of Sonny Boy Williamson and slide guitarist Robert Nighthawk. The old school bluesman with the aggressive keyboard style and gravelly voice had played the rickety bars among the cotton fields of the Mississippi Delta, and toured with rock pioneer Ike Turner in the 1950s.

Indeed, he played piano with harmonica master Sonny Boy Williamson on the iconic "King Biscuit Time" radio show and with B.B. King in Memphis. Generations of musicians learned and modeled their art on Perkins, including no less than Ike Turner. "Pinetop would be the birth of rock 'n' roll, because he taught me what I played," Turner told the Tribune in 2004.
 

Perkins' skills came not from any sort of formal training but from an innate ability and love for a musical form that arose from the South's plantation system. "I didn't get no schooling. I come up the hard way in the world," Perkins told The Associated Press in a 2009 interview.

Perkins won a Grammy this year for best traditional blues album for "Joined at the Hip: Pinetop Perkins & Willie "Big Eyes" Smith." That win made Perkins the oldest Grammy winner, edging out late comedian George Burns, who was 95 when he won in the spoken category for "Gracie: A Love Story" in 1990. Perkins also won a 2007 Grammy for best traditional blues album for his collaboration on the "Last of the Great Mississippi Delta Bluesmen: Live in Dallas." He received a lifetime achievement Grammy in 2005.

The above obit is a combo of two articles by: 

Shelia Byrd and Jim Vertuno of the Associated Press; Howard Reich of the Chicago Tribune

John Woo - Master

If I've learned one thing from John Woo movies, it's this: reloading is for pussies.

Oh, and this: "nothing to worry about, enjoy your day!"

Son, what we've got here is  . . . a Mexican standoff (except with Chinese peoples).

Vacaciones de Primavera en DFW

The official family of BoDerickus just spent a few days in Dallas-Ft. Worth for spring break. Tiring but fun. One thing I guess I knew, but never thought much about is the huge Hispanic population in DFW. Flipping through the channels, I think I came across about 27 Hispanic language channels.  Back home I think I have 2, so I've really got to put some work into it to "happen" across one of these crazy channels. I have watched these channels before, especially when I want to bother my brother-in-law, the bald hippie.  But never to the level as I have the last few days. BoDerickus speaks muy poco Espanol, so I had no idea what was going on most of the time.

Here is what I think was happening:

• Is this guy longing or disgusted? 
• I really need to brush up on my Spanish

Teresa: Muy Pronto - From what I can tell, Teresa spends every episode looking longingly at men and menacingly at women. Everyone seems to look either longingly or disgusted at Teresa. Also, Spanish language TV appears to like lots of slapping. 

Mas Futbol - It appears guys that are filmed from a great distance kick this round ball up and down a large field and every once in awhile it accidentally goes into a big net. Oh yeah, and people fall down a lot.


Quien Tiene la Razon - This is a Spanish language "Jerry Springer" with a female host that is uglier than Jerry in a dress. Also, what I said before about the slapping goes double for this show. By the way, don't type "Jerry Springer in a dress" in to Google images unless you want to get one of the weirdest collection of pictures you could imagine. 

There also seem to be about 237 Spanish language radio stations.  There appear to be 4 kinds of radio stations in DFW: Mariachi, Salsa, Country, and Spanish language Country.  

Why, this isn't confusing at all, thanks DFW!

I live and drive every day in a city, but Dallas-Ft. Worth is a City. There are so many roads here it is crazy. Also, there doesn't seem to be reason to the layout of these roads. Everything looks the same and there seem to be 20 roads going off in all directions constantly.  I've driven a number of times in NYC, which is much larger and was not nearly as confused as I was driving in this place. I have never made more wrong turns than in Dallas. 

Madness, Indeed!

Some of you have read this already in an email related to the March Madness office pool. Skip to another one you haven't seen.

First of all, I feel supremely confident in my picks this year. Confident that they will be mostly wrong, but confident nonetheless. I am staying away from the snide comments on players names this year (none could be better than Alabama State’s Chief Kickingstallionsims and Ivory White from the 2009 tourney anyway).  But I will comment on some horrible team mascot/nicknames in the early rounds of this year’s tournament. 

East:

1 OH State v. Texas-San Antonio Roadrunners – Beep, Beep!

3 Syracuse Orange v. Indiana State Sycamores – Both of these nicknames are bad. With Syracuse, am I supposed to be intimidated by a color or a fruit?  Also, with Indiana State, why would anyone pick a tree for a mascot? Also, I’m confused, is this supposed to be the ultra-intimidating fig type sycamore of the Bible, the British version or the sturdy American version?

2 North Carolina v. Long Island University-Brooklyn Blackbirds – So many things to think about: #1 This might be the longest university name in existence. #2 Blackbirds are annoying and dirty, but threatening? Nope. #3 After more thought, and the fact that I think of blackbirds as “rats with wings” I may change my mind on their threatening nature. #4 Actual cheer for ILU-B: Swoop in there and peck their face off, Blackbirds, Blackbirds, Blackbirds! (only effective if making the flying bird motion a’la Morris Day).

Hey there, sailor!

Southwest:

1 Kansas v. Boston U. Terriers – There is no dog more masculine and reeking of intimidation than the Terrier. 

3 Purdue v. St. Peter's Peacocks – Sounds like this should be a gay catholic strip club rather than a school. For comedy’s sake, it would be much more fun if St. Peter’s Peacocks were playing Morehead State.

2 Notre Dame v. Akron Zips What the heck is a Zip?  Also, although called the Zips, it has a kangaroo for a mascot. Because the kangaroo is indigenous to Ohio. 

Southeast:

I'm not sure this could be goofier.

8 Butler v. 9 Old Dominion Monarchs - I’m not sure if you’ve seen Queen Elizabeth lately, but if you have, you know just how intimidating a monarch can be.  Also, the mascot is a lion wearing a crown, so it’s double intimidation. 

11 Gonzaga v. 6 St. John's Red Storm – I was not aware of St. John’s Communist leanings.  

3 BYU Cougars (I thought they were the fightin' Mormons) v. Wofford Terriers - Really? There are two teams with a terrier as mascots? Really? Wait, both are Terriers, plural?  Oh, never mind, that changes the game exponentially.   

2 Florida v. UC Santa Barbara Gauchos - It is well known that Gaucho was the best and meanest of the Marx brothers, but I hear he couldn't play roundball worth a crap. Gummo - now there was a baller.

I can't believe this picture exists, yet here it is.

Dr. Cleophus' Quickie Movie Review

The 8 six-year old girls on the row behind me really LOVED this movie.  Also, I didn't have to worry about missing anything because little Rachael had seen the movie before and let everyone know exactly when the FUNNY parts were.

Side note: Jason F'n Statham, Mr. Transporter himself, is the voice of the "bad guy" gnome (the big one in the picture above).

What Was I Thinking?

I have finally come to the conclusion that I'm getting old. What made me finally accept that? Was it the fact that I get tired more easy or parts of my body hurt that I didn't even know existed?  No, what finally made me figure it out was good ol' Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper (and Paprika).  Anyone reading this with a child under the age of 14 probably knows who these annoying "people" are. The cartoon world's first interracial marriage - Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper were groundbreaking (much like the Willis' on The Jeffersons). Also, these two are French. How do we know? Because they speak in zee OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH ACCENTS!

Paprika hungry! Sorry purists, Cinnamon wasn't in the picture yet.

So why did this anthropomorphic pair make me realize my increasing age? Because somehow I forgot how incredibly annoying this toy was. When the official daughter of BoDerickus was born in 1998, Blue's Clues was in full swing. Sometime soon after, we bought this toy for her. This thing says a lot of annoying lines from the show, but its main objective was, when you pushed Mr. Salt's mouth, they sang this charming little ditty (to a Calypso tune):

Healthy snacks!
Healthy snacks!
We love to eat the healthy snacks.
Carrots, bananas and celery too,
We like to eat healthy snacks, don't you?

This song was played in my house about 10,000 times. Not only that, this wonderful toy would start the song over every time you pushed the mouth. I had a young Jay-Z in my house for years practicing her "mix" skills (healthy snacks, healthy, healthy, healthy, healthy, healthy snacks, hea-, hea-, health, health, healthy, healthy, healthy snacks, etc., ad infinitum).

Dammit, man, get to the point, why did this make you fell old?  Because, not too long ago, my four year old dug this out of some hidden nook and brought it to me. Thankfully, the batteries had died. But what did I do? Yes, you guessed it, I put new batteries in it and am now being serenaded once again by the smooth calypso stylings of Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper.

Finally, I'm told that taking twice as long to tell a story is a sign of old age also.  I'm not sure I buy that.

Dr. Cleophus Says: Watch This Movie

This weekend I watched this unbelievable documentary. By that I mean I watched this documentary in an utter state of disbelief.  As many of you know, I grew up in Mississippi. I didn't think it got more "country" (and by that I mean redneck) than small town north Missippi.  I was wrong. I mean, I was really wrong. The White family, Boone County "royalty," are the extended clan of D. Ray and Bertie Mae White, who rose to some level of fame with D. Ray's "mountain dancing" which looked like a mix of clogging and tap dance (with a little "a bobcat got in my pants" thrown in for good measure).

Crazy legs Jesco White and Hank Williams III

This Appalachian family loves to drink, fight, cuss, screw, do drugs, shoot shit (and people), snort stuff, drink, fall down, have babies, mooch off the government, rob, cheat, steal, do time, huff gas, give each other tattoos, drink some more, fight authority (it always wins, however), parent badly, and dance, dance, dance.  D. Ray's son Jesco (literally) inherited his father's dancing shoes after D. Ray was murdered on his way to a performance.  In fact, many of the White children died prematurely. Mamie, Bo, Sue Bob, Kirk and Mousie (all women, by the way) run roughshod over Boone County, West Virginia. These gravelly voiced women have led a rough life, but seem pretty unfazed by life in general.



Make no mistake though, Jesco is the most famous and also the craziest one in the family (but not by much). He gets a full back tattoo of Elvis on the left (surrounded by stars) and Charles Manson on the right (in flames) to portray what he calls his dual nature.

Not a straight line

This family committed (or confessed to) so many crimes on camera it was almost comical. One moment in this film sums up the attitude of the Whites: Kirk gets her baby taken by Protective Services just after he's born (she's crushing and snorting pills in the hospital room less than 24 hours after giving birth). She decides to go to rehab to try to clean up and get her baby back. But not before a multi-day booze and drug fest with Mamie and Sue Bob that would likely knock Charlie Sheen on his ass. I was shocked during much of this movie, but could not stop watching. If I saw a movie "character" act like this, I would say the actor was going way overboard. I guess truth is stranger than fiction. 

I highly recommend this movie, if for nothing less than being proud of yourself as a parent and/or seeing how normal your "crazy" family really is. It was co-produced by Johnny Knoxville of Jackass fame, but don't hold that against it.  Anyway, I'll leave you with some quotes:

"You know what my daddy used to say? He used to say, ‘When you get too old to cut the mustard, lick the jar.’ I don’t know what he meant by that." - Bertie Mae White (the matriarch). 

Sue Bob - The "sexy" one.

"Well, I used to be a stripper back then when I was 17, 18, 19 years old and I made the boo-coups of money.  I'd bring home at least the fifteen to two thousand dollars a night in my boot. I’ve always been the sexiest one in the family. I’ve always had comments from thousands of people." -Sue Bob White

Kirk - the "fighter"

"I met Dennis, I liked him cause he looked good. I loved that 18 wheeler he drove the 18 wheeler. And then, he ends up screwin' my cousin. And then I end up stabbin' his ass." Sue Kirk White
This is only the start of a 3 minute tirade that just got more disturbing. All the while her young son was literally bouncing off the walls after drinking a six pack of Pepsi.